For years I was a total pro at compartmentalizing my feelings and emotions. I was often dealing with hostile and volatile people. As a way to survive it, I repressed my feelings and just went on as normal, like everything was okay and my life was good. And things looked great on the outside. But on the inside, I was dying.
What I learned along my way was that whenever you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself. Once you start repressing your emotions and convince yourself you are strong for doing so, it becomes easier and easier to just keep doing it. And in my case, I did it for years.
While it might be helpful to avoid your feelings in the short term and muscle through the situation, long term it will take its toll. Because I buried my feelings for so long, I really lost my way. I became so externally focused, that I relied on other people’s opinions of me to determine my self-worth. Over time, who I was and how I felt faded away. It got to the point where I pushed my feelings aside so much, when asked how I really felt about something, I couldn’t have told you because I just didn’t know anymore.
The truth is, being honest and vulnerable takes more strength than repressing your emotions. When we avoid our feelings and emotions, we are also avoiding taking responsibility for our lives. While our intentions of not wanting to rock the boat might be good, we are attempting to control things and manipulate the situation.
For me, I didn’t want conflict. I knew that being assertive and standing up for myself would create some serious waves for some of the people in my life. I didn’t want to sit with the feelings or consequences of offending them or upsetting them so much that they abandoned me. I was scared. And in the process, I put up with a lot of bullshit no sane person would ever put up with. Overtime it eroded my self-esteem, and I lost confidence in myself.
How to Connect with Your Emotions
If you are struggling with identifying your emotions, here are some ways you can stop avoiding them and tap into what you are really feeling.
Slow Things Down
When something happens that evokes a feeling in you to just stuff down your feelings and keep moving, slow things down. That urge to stay busy or just go on as normal is a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid how you are really feeling. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings. If there were no consequences, how would you feel about it?
Dig Deep
If you have become good at covering up your true feelings, you may have to dig deeper to uncover what you are really feeling. Perhaps you’re angry about how your partner treated you. Underneath that anger, maybe you are also feeling sad and don’t feel valued. Try to dig deep and get at the root of what you are really feeling.
Pay Attention to Your Body
Physical sensations we have and help clue us in about how we’re feeling. Is your body relaxed or tense? Is your jaw clenched? Are your hands relaxed or have you clenched your fists? When you notice these sensations, ask yourself what you are feeling, without judging yourself.
While it may seem hard to connect with your feelings at first, over time with practice, it will get easier. Be patient with yourself.
