It’s so easy to get caught up in the loop of wondering why someone behaves the way that they do. Let’s look at this dynamic in romantic relationships. There are times when our partner will unintentionally hurt us and times when we will do the same. In a healthy relationship, you can talk openly and honestly about it and come up with a plan on how to handle things going forward.
But what happens when you have talked to your partner and they just keep hurting you? We just don’t seem to understand why they keep behaving in ways that hurt us when we’ve told them that it does so many times before. And we get trapped in a vicious cycle of feeling traumatized by the experience.
I always say, instead of getting mad at a clown for being a clown, you have to start asking yourself why you keep going to the circus.
Here’s the thing. If someone is aware that they are hurting you and they continue to do it anyway, they have made an intentional decision to still do it – regardless of how it impacts you. And I would say that if that happens, that is good information for you to have about this person.
When we keep fighting about it and wondering why this keeps happening, what we’re really doing is avoiding responsibility for what we are allowing in our lives. We focus on changing someone else’s behavior, which is impossible to do, rather than be accountable and responsible to ourselves for ourselves. See, by staying stuck in the loop, we avoid sitting with the horrible feeling that our partner continues to do things that they know hurts us. It can be a hard pill to swallow. But when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
We teach people how to treat us, based on what we choose to put up with. If someone continues to do things that hurt you and they are fully aware of what they are doing, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself about the relationship. Ask yourself what boundary are you willing to set to protect yourself?
We have the power to determine what kind of treatment we will accept our relationships. We enforce this by setting clear, healthy boundaries. And remember, what we allow will continue.
