There comes a point in an unhealthy relationship when you are just “done”. For me, that feeling came at the most unsuspecting time. For years, I put up with some pretty horrendous behavior. Like certain behaviors that should have definitely been a deal breaker for me. Why weren’t any of those things the catalyst that caused me to say I was done? Because the truth was, at the time, I really wasn’t done.
I’ve written extensively about self-worth and unhealthy dynamics in relationships. The journey back to knowing my worth, value and loving myself took a very long time. The main reason why we stay in relationships that aren’t good for us, or relationships we have outgrown is uncertainty. We are uncertain about what life would look like without our partner. Or we are uncertain about how we would make it financially. Perhaps we are afraid of being alone. In some cases, we stay because we are chasing inconsistent love and affection from our partner. I’ve stayed for all of the reasons above.
My mindset shifted when I stopped focusing on what my partner was doing. Yes, he was being hurtful and horrible. But I needed to start understanding why I was okay with his shitty treatment. What did I believe about myself and what I deserved?
That internal focus helped me see that I wasn’t just a pushover in my romantic relationships. I was like that with family, friends, and colleagues, too. I accepted bad behavior and treatment because on some level, I believed I wasn’t worth being treated well.
The more work you do on fixing your mindset and the relationship that you have with yourself, the way you value yourself will change. And when you start to see your own value, you will find it harder to stay around people who don’t.
One of the things that also helped me was changing my environment. Instead of just spending time with people who didn’t respect me or my time, I started spending more time with people who inspired me, challenged me and were nice to me. The more time I spent with those people, the more motivated I felt to change my life and experiences.
How will you know when you are “just done” in any relationship?
For me, I spent some time working on how I viewed myself. I gave myself the kind of love and support that I gave to other people in my life. I began to understand what was important to me and what was acceptable treatment in a relationship. I developed a kind of maturity where I wasn’t afraid to walk away from people and situations that threatened my peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals or self-worth.
I wasn’t angry or demanding that my partner change. I wasn’t willing to hold out for him to make the changes I wanted him to make, either. He could do whatever he wanted. I knew I would be okay on my own. If he couldn’t give me what I needed, deserved, or wanted in a relationship, it was okay. I didn’t need to stay in that relationship anymore. I developed an abundance mindset and knew that the Universe had so much more to offer me. All I had to do was trust the process and let go.
