When a person hasn’t dealt with their past wounds and traumas, their issues surrounding them will inevitably come up in their romantic relationships. Why does this happen? Because when we haven’t dealt with and integrated these things from our past, we unconsciously seek resolution to those issues with our current partner. But the resolution is found within that person, By turning outward to find it, it is a sure fire way to end up disappointed and place unrealistic expectations on your partner. The truth is, if you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.
In Showtime’s Couples Therapy, Dr. Orna Guralnik works with couples for a number of months on common issues that come up in relationships. It’s a great show and so much better than VH1’s Couples Therapy that was aired years ago. Watching it actually helped me see some issues in my own marriage that had been brewing underneath the surface. But anyway, in season 3, we can see how pervasive unresolved issues can creep into relationships with one of the couples, Cyn and Yaya.
There were many things at play with this couple, but one of the things that struck me most was when Yaya would be vulnerable about her love for Cyn, Cyn would withdraw and sprinkle into her response that she still wanted to sleep with other women. She was being overly honest to the point of being cruel to her partner. When Yaya would try to connect with her in therapy, Cyn would put up barriers. It was almost like Cyn was trying to sabotage their marriage. Orna would call Cyn on things that she would say in these situations and concluded that she still has some work to do with her. There were obviously unhealed issues for Cyn that were being carried over into her marriage.
Cyn isn’t a horrible person at all. She just can’t give Yaya what she needs right now. You can have a partner who is great in many aspects, but they just might have some unhealed traumas that they need to deal with.
A good relationship is a place where you have a soft place to land, but at the same time, you are encouraged to grow and evolve into the best version of yourself. Many of us go into relationships with unhealed trauma truly believing that it won’t impact the relationship. But if we are still hurting from our past, it will rear it it’s ugly head at some point. And that is when the relationship takes an unhealthy turn.
To me, love is many things, but it always comes with responsibility to keep another person’s heart safe. What does that look like and how do you know if you are in healthy relationship? I wrote a lengthy post, outlining my 10 components of a healthy relationship that you can check out here. Are you dealing with some old wounds that haven’t fully healed? How is it showing up in your current relationship? What steps can you take to begin to heal and give yourself the love and kind of relationship you deserve?
