When someone hurts you or takes advantage of you, do you overlook it or is there a consequence for their transgression? According to this saying, “if you forgive the fox for stealing your chickens, he will take your sheep.” you should do the latter. If someone takes advantage of you and gets away with it, they will probably repeat their actions and do worse.
But Shouldn’t You Forgive?
Isn’t it better to forgive and overlook when someone hurts you?
If someone takes something small or hurts you in a relatively small manner, you might feel like there is no point in getting petty and doing something. Out of the goodness of your heart, you might let it go and not say anything. And depending on the situation, sometimes that is the best strategy.
However, the dilemma here is that it’s not about how they hurt you or the value of the item they took from you. Rather, it is about their personal growth. If there isn’t a consequence for them doing something hurtful, you rob them of their opportunity to receive a valuable lesson. Afterall, we teach people how to treat us.
For example, let’s say someone says something that hurts your feelings. You realize they probably didn’t mean it badly, so you let it go. However, by not telling them how it impacted you, you might be encouraging their behavior of speaking without thinking. In the process, they might find themselves in deeper trouble next time when they hurt someone else.
So, by telling that person how you feel or there being some kind of consequence for their actions, it helps instill thoughtfulness and prevents similar problems in the future.
Holding Yourself and Others to a Higher Standard
Not only is it important to have boundaries and consequences for someone who “steals your chickens”, it is equally important to have them for yourself. Self-discipline is arguably one of the most important foundations of self-improvement. If you want to work towards anything, achieve anything whether it is tangible or intangible, discipline is key.
If you want to set a healthy routine and create a good lifestyle where you go to bed on time, get 8 hours of sleep, and wake up fresh, you have to discipline yourself. This is where some tough love needs to be implemented.
If you go to bed 5 minutes later every night, and constantly let yourself off the hook thinking, “Oh, it’s just 5 minutes”, before you know it you might be sleeping in a few hours later than normal, waking up tired with lack of sleep, and causing your health to deteriorate.
Identify the Trigger
When someone else hurts you, or you do something “wrong”, identify what caused it. “Bad behavior” hardly ever stems from someone just being a bad person. Rather, there is an unmet need that one tries to fulfill.
If you find yourself straying off the path you set for yourself, consider what you need. What was your trigger? If you binged your sister’s cake that she told you not to eat, what caused you to do that? Were you angry? Were you stressed? Were you tired? What need were you trying to fulfill? By identifying the need and the trigger, whether emotional or physical, you can fulfill the need in a more satisfying manner.
Tough Love or Forgiveness
Sometimes, by having consequences and boundaries, it can feel like punishment to others. This may cause them to lash out in other ways. The same can happen with you, as well. For example, if you are too harsh with yourself for eating an unhealthy snack while on a diet, it can result in a spiral of binge eating junk food. So, it is important to assess when to let go of a mistake and when to issue a consequence for it. In this case, you have to consider, what’s the consequence of letting this action go? Does it promote this unwanted behavior? Or, is there some sort of kind and compassionate way of there being a consequence for this behavior with the intention to foster improvement?
No human being is perfect, and there will always be moments where your actions or the actions of others affect you negatively. Identify what the trigger was, what unmet needs sparked this action, and see whether tough love or forgiveness is needed in this situation.
