One of my favorite cartoons to watch with my kids on Saturdays was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I always found that Splinter had the best advice, and my favorite saying was, “Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy.” It also reminds me of Master Yoda’s wisdom about anger leads to hate and suffering. This is to simply say that holding onto anger is toxic to our well-being and can infiltrate every area of our lives if we don’t take action.
Anger is complex and often rooted in experiences we don’t understand and are unwilling to unravel. Experts say that what is typically lurking behind the emotion of anger is shame. And if left untreated, it can lead to depression which makes overcoming shame seem impossible. Understanding how to deal with anger effectively can also help us deal with issues like shame. In this post, we are going to explore both and how you can improve how you respond to both emotions.
How Does Anger Become Toxic?
Anger, when held inside, has significant consequences on our health. It can affect blood pressure and cause headaches and increased anxiety. In addition, it can cause heart attacks, stroke, and a plethora of destructive health issues.
Not only can it affect you physically, but it can also affect you mentally and emotionally. From the way you conduct your life to destructive relationships, uncontrolled anger has a hand in most everything you do if you can’t manage it well.
How to Deal with Anger
Identify Triggers
Identifying things that set you off is critical to managing anger. Think back to when you completely lost control and try to navigate what made you angry.
Warning Signs
Learning what physical symptoms start when you get angry can help you tremendously. For example, if you start feeling hot or your face flushes before you get mad, those are good indicators that you need to take a step back and analyze how you’re feeling.
Take a Time Out
Take a time out when you feel like anger is on its way. It’s ok to walk away or take a walk around the block so that you can calm down.
Talk to Someone
There’s no shame in talking to a counselor or joining an anger management group if you need to. These sessions can really help you relate to others and get your feelings out there in the open. It can be reassuring to know that you aren’t alone.
What is Shame?
Brené Brown says that shame is “the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.” Anger is often a shield we use to cover our feelings of shame. Not healing shame can contribute to more anger. It can become a vicious cycle.
Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgement. But what shame cannot survive is empathy.
How To Overcome Shame
1. Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. Talking to yourself with care and empathy can be the beginning of the healing process. We often forget that we deserve to be handled with care. Show yourself the same kind of empathy and compassion that you would show a loved one.
2. Reach out to someone you trust. Sometimes just speaking your truth about how you feel to another soul can lighten the burden and shame you feel. When we feel shame, the view we have of ourselves is distorted. When someone else hears us and doesn’t judge us, we feel less alone and “bad”.
3. Tell your story. Once you are in a good place, tell your story. Doing this can help you heal, but it can also help others on their road to recovery.
While anger itself isn’t bad, holding onto it can cloud the mind. Holding onto it for too long can create our downfall. Don’t hold onto anger and punish yourself, for a mistake someone else made.
