We have all experienced the fear of losing someone. Not by death, per se, though that is certainly something we may fear. But loss in the sense of them walking away or even being driven away by us.
Many of us have been in relationships where we feel like we aren’t enough. We feel “less than”. When we set our sight on someone we are interested in, we are automatically coming from a place of lack. We feel like we aren’t refined enough or that we couldn’t possibly fit in with their lifestyle or their group. So, we start behaving in ways that reflect who we think we need to be, in order to level the playing field and increase our chances of winning that person’s attention or affection.
When we do this, we are relinquishing some control because we are allowing what someone says or does to affect us. We have created an image of ourselves that we want this person to like, and now we must live up to it every day. And that can be exhausting! This is something we have to keep doing, or we risk them finding out the truth and leaving us.
Relationships should never be so one-sided that you lose yourself while struggling to keep someone in your life. You should never have to jump through hoops to save a relationship. You should never have to become someone you’re not to win someone or keep someone. That’s a false relationship.
Here’s the thing. If someone loves you, they are going to love or like you for who you are, and they are not going to want or expect you to be someone you’re not. They are going to see what you have to offer to them and the world, and they are going to value that. When you try to be someone you’re not, you are not only hurting yourself, but you are judging the other person, assuming they will judge you and won’t like the person you are. And you are cheating them out of ever knowing the real you and of the opportunity to really connect with you on a real level.
It is scary to be vulnerable in a relationship. Truly being yourself and putting it all out there carries great risk. What if the person doesn’t like you?
The truth is, the people who are right for you, will truly like you. They will see you as enough as you are. While it can be risky to be vulnerable, this risk also comes with incredible reward.
If you find that you are beginning to lose yourself while trying to keep someone in your life, you need to take a look at the beliefs you have about yourself.
First, try to understand why you don’t feel enough as you are. What makes this person so special and worth having if you have to become someone else to keep the relationship? Are they wanting you to be someone you are not, or are you changing yourself to fit what you think they want?
Second, once you understand why you are bending over backward and changing yourself to please someone else, you have to decide whether or not you are going to continue to do that. If you are, understand that in the long run, it will come at a great cost to you. Chasing external validation is not a good strategy for healthy self-esteem. I talked about my journey of losing myself in an earlier post.
If you choose to honor yourself and who you are, commit to being honest with that person and be prepared to let that relationship go, if it doesn’t work out. Find ways to support yourself emotionally and mentally. This may be through counseling, self-help books or podcasts. Or perhaps spending time with a mentor or friend each week who can listen to you and offer advice or encouragement.
Third, celebrate you. You are unique and wonderful just the way you are. As a matter of fact, the world needs you just as you are. Stop trying to be someone else to please others. You have a lot to offer. The right people in your life will understand you and value the person you are and will not expect you to change for them.
