I can be pretty stubborn. I’ve stayed in relationships much longer than I should have. I thought that the person would change (spoiler alert – this hardly ever happens!) and eventually we would be happy together.
As humans, we tend to accept the love we think we deserve. We may be dissatisfied in our relationship and intellectually know that we deserve better, yet we will stay in it. And the reason is because on some level, we are okay with receiving less than what we really deserve from our partner. We may even have rationalizations about it or seek to try to change the situation into what we want it to be.
But the truth is, when you start seeing your worth, you’ll find it harder to stay around people who don’t. And this is really the key here. I was finally able to let go of chasing the wrong things when I changed how I felt about myself. It wasn’t the latest fight or mental injury my partner caused. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with how I was beginning to see myself.
Instead of engaging in the vicious cycle of trying to get him to see how valuable I was, my focus switched to how I really felt about the situation. You see, I am convinced that we tend to focus on our partner’s wrong doings and chasing affection as a buffer to protect ourselves from how we are really feeling. At least it has been this way for me.
When I started sitting with my own feelings and the loneliness I felt, I was able to objectively look at the reality of our relationship. It was clear that what I needed from my partner, I wasn’t getting. Yet I was showing up every day giving my best and constantly trying to improve the relationship. I was more invested in creating a deep bond and real intimacy than he was.
After spending time wondering why I was okay with this, I shifted to focusing on the one thing I knew I could control, which was myself. Instead of focusing on what I felt about my relationship, I started focusing on what I believed about myself. I also started focusing on building my self-worth and I took steps to improve my own life. I began exercising more, eating better and spending time with people who were supportive and uplifting. I started working on creative projects that I poured my heart and soul into, which brought me joy. In short, I stopped focusing so much of my time and energy on a relationship where I felt like I was doing most of the work.
When I made these changes for myself, the idea of trying to get him to see my value became unappealing. I didn’t want to spend my time engaging in fights about how I felt because it often ended with him telling me that my feelings weren’t fair, or that I’m the one not really plugged in, etc. It was a completely ineffective endeavor.
He was also scared because he saw a change in me and how I was treating myself. And one day, I just decided to end it. There wasn’t a huge fight. I was rather calm and measured. I had just realized this wasn’t working for me anymore and it couldn’t be fixed. The fear of staying in a relationship where I felt so alone was greater than my fear of actually being alone.
In the end, I wasn’t mad that he couldn’t provide me with what I needed. We’re all different. And our needs and ways of connecting with others are different. And honestly, that is okay. If anything, I was more frustrated with myself for not valuing myself like I wished I had. It would have saved me a lot of pain and heartache. But it was a good life lesson and one I am glad to have learned.
