Most of us don’t go around deliberately saying hurtful things to other people, but sometimes we can do it without even realizing it. We might intend to crack a joke, but someone takes offense because they feel like we’re insulting or attacking them. Or we might try to offer some helpful advice or a dose of tough love, but we end up coming across as cruel and judgmental.
If you have ever been on the receiving end of insensitive, harsh words from someone else, then you know all too well how much pain they can cause, even if the other person had no clear intention to hurt you.
To avoid misunderstandings like this, it can be helpful to develop a keen sense of awareness about how you communicate your thoughts to others.
A good place to start is by pausing and thinking for a moment before speaking. Of course, this is not always easy to do while you’re in a fast-moving discussion with other people. But with practice you can learn to do it in just a second or two.
During this brief pause, consider what you are about to say, and whether it might be misconstrued in some way by the other person, or anyone involved in the conversation. Ask yourself, “Is my comment constructive or argumentative? Is it kind or insulting? Will this person find it helpful or hurtful?” Your answers to these questions will help you decide whether your comment would add something meaningful to the discussion or not.
If you still aren’t sure, try to see the comment from the other person’s perspective. How would you feel if they said those words to you? Would you find them helpful? Would you feel like you are being supported or disrespected? Obviously, if you wouldn’t like those words being directed toward you, there’s a good chance that someone else won’t either.
However, this is not always a perfect assessment, because we each have such different sensitivities to various topics. Even if you personally wouldn’t be offended by a specific comment, someone else still might. But at least considering their perspective can help you to be more mindful about potentially hurtful comments.
Finally, consider your intention. What are you trying to achieve with your words? Are you merely trying to express your thoughts and opinions, or are you trying to persuade them to see it your way? Are you trying to defend your position, or are you trying to undermine theirs? By examining your intentions before speaking, you can be more mindful about choosing words that will help you to achieve your goal, rather than moving you further away from it.
Sometimes despite your best intentions, misunderstandings and hurt feelings will still happen. In fact, you probably know certain people who seem to deliberately twist your words and take offense no matter how carefully you try to communicate your thoughts. In cases like this, you can only do your best. At least you will know that your intentions are pure, and you are choosing your words as wisely as you can to facilitate healthy, meaningful discussions.
