It is okay to fall into the water. You can even stay in it for a little while, treading water. But if you choose to stay in it for a long time, you will drown.
Grief and loss can be overwhelming and make us feel like we are already drowning. Moving on from it, is truly a process and sometimes it isn’t linear. I know for me, I have moved through the five stages of grief, only to come back again to another step in the process at various times.
The 5 Stages of Grief
1. Shock and Denial. This might be the death of a loved one, a betrayal of some kind or news of a medical illness. It might be the loss of your job. Nonetheless, in this first stage, we don’t want to believe it is happening.
Before I was officially diagnosed with cancer, I was convinced that there was some mistake in my scans. Maybe what looked suspicious on the imaging was really benign. Maybe there was some kind of mix up with the biopsy report at the lab. I was definitely in denial. I had zero symptoms and was happy. How could this be happening? Plus, I was so young! This had to be a mistake……right?
2. Anger. Now that you can no longer deny that this is happening, you feel waves of anger about it. And understandably so! While it might be unfair and unjust, it is happening. And it’s okay if you’re mad about it.
3. Bargaining. It is natural to want to attempt to bargain your way through trauma. It is here where we may seek to change the circumstances of the situation causing us grief.
Before my grandmother passed away when I was a teenager, I pleaded with God for her to live. I promised to be a better person, etc. She was like a mother to me, and I felt like I still needed her guidance, comfort and presence in my life. I had no idea how my life would be without her in it. Bargaining is part of the process because it allows us to have a sense of control when we feel helpless in the situation.
4. Depression. After going through denial, anger and bargaining and finding no change in the outcome, we feel the full weight of the sadness we feel over the loss. It is normal and okay to feel depression when grieving. It is important to keep an eye on these feelings, though. Sometimes depression from a loss or traumatic event could lead to clinical depression or PTSD. This article can help you understand the difference between situational depression and clinical.
5. Acceptance. This is when you come to terms with the loss or situation. It doesn’t mean that you’re “over it” or no longer feeling grief. You may even experience waves of grief from time to time. It also doesn’t mean that you are okay with what happened – because you never may be. What it does mean, is that you have chosen to accept this new reality as it is and are choosing to moving forward the best way you can.
Grief looks different for everyone and like I said earlier, it isn’t a linear process. I spent a lot of time bouncing all over the first four stages when I was diagnosed with cancer. No two journeys through grief will be the same.
The only way out of something is through it. If you stay in steps one through four for too long, it will consume you and you will drown. Know that choosing acceptance and moving on doesn’t mean you don’t care about what happened or aren’t still hurting. What it does mean is that you are choosing to live your life, despite the hurt and pain you may feel. You know that you are here for a reason and still have a story to tell. And you never know…your story of how you overcame this situation, may become someone else’s survival guide during their times of grief.
