Do you often find that you judge people harshly for their behavior? It’s easy to point to someone and say, “They’re a bad person. They’re cruel and hurtful. They make reckless choices that hurt me and others.”
While it may be true that some people are intentionally hurtful, this may not be the full story for others.
We all speak and act from a wounded emotional state sometimes and end up regretting it later. The more hurt and angry we are, the more likely we are to say or do things that hurt other people.
Maybe you have even done this yourself when you spoke some harsh words or did something that hurt someone you cared about. Deep down inside, you may know that you had no intention to hurt them but it was almost as if you couldn’t help yourself at the time because you were so angry that you lashed out before thinking it through.
When someone else hurts you, it’s easy to assume that they did it purposely, but whenever possible, it’s worthwhile to examine whether that’s really true or not. One good way to approach situations like these is to ask yourself, “What do I believe that their intentions were by saying or doing what they did? Were they purposely trying to hurt me, or did they just act without thinking?”
In some cases, you may realize that they were actually trying to be helpful, even if their words and actions seemed to convey a different message. Other times, you’ll be able to see clearly that they were just angry and didn’t mean those harsh words that they spoke at the time. Considering their intentions will help you to avoid taking things too personally when they truly meant no harm.
Of course, being aware of their intentions does not mean that you have to sit idly by and accept mistreatment from others, even if they did it unintentionally. In those cases, you can simply share your thoughts and feelings with them and explain how their actions made you feel. You can even let them know that you understand what their true intention was. “I know that you were trying to be helpful, but that comment really hurt my feelings.” If the person truly cares about you, they will be willing to talk about it and they will apologize for hurting you.
When it comes right down to it, you may never be fully sure what another person’s intentions are, so it can be helpful to give them the benefit of the doubt most of the time. Avoid jumping to the conclusion that they’re a bad person, or that they were deliberately trying to cause harm. Be curious and ask them about it.
For example, my husband has a propensity of getting a high strung when he is stressed. I will notice it in his tone when he speaks to me, or he’ll be short with his responses. When I sense this, and I don’t really know where its coming from, I will ask him what he meant when he said X to me or what he is feeling. Most of the time, how he is sounding to me, has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him ruminating on something that is bothering him. He will often respond by being super apologetic and he’ll open up about what’s bugging him.
However, if you begin to see a pattern of mistreatment or insensitivity coming from the same person despite you making it clear that you don’t appreciate their behavior, then it’s a pretty clear indication that their intentions are not as good as they are portraying them to be. If they refuse to moderate their behavior, you may need to decide whether it’s healthy for you to continue your relationship with them.
