When someone is mean to you, you might be tempted to strike back at the other person with harsh words or impulsive actions. But most of the time, this can make the situation worse. When you can take a step back and not take their attack on you personally, you can respond in a calm rationale way that you are proud of. You also may be able to see the person in a different light and avoid getting pulled into a cycle of endless battles and competitiveness.
When you see a person who is lashing out at those around them, remind yourself that their behavior is not without a cause. People are rarely aggressive and cruel for no good reason. Most likely, they are hurting on some level. Maybe they’re going through some difficult challenges, and they aren’t handling them too well. They may have recently suffered a painful loss, so they’re angry at the world and looking for ways to vent that anger. Perhaps they think that spreading their misery around will make them feel better. So they will go around saying hurtful things, deliberately picking fights, or maybe even trying to sabotage you in various ways. It can be exhausting.
It’s natural that your first reaction might be anger and defensiveness. And you might feel like striking back is the only way you can stand up for yourself. But try to stop yourself from immediately reacting. Yes, young padawan, there is much wisdom in thinking through your response first.
People who are unhappy with themselves, will inevitably attempt to drag you down to their level into a game that you cannot win. Remember, misery loves company. The harder you fight back, the harder they will keep pushing, and the conflict will only escalate. In a very real sense, when you do this, you are handing over your power to the other person. You are no longer in control of your own words and actions, and you are allowing them to decide the course of events.
The only way to win battles like these is to refuse to fight at all. Of course, that doesn’t mean that you have to sit back and allow yourself to be victimized, either. The truth is, if we understood how often people cope by projecting, we wouldn’t take much of what they say personally.Â
If you can learn how to detach yourself from what is being said, you will understand that their hostility has nothing to do with you at all. You just happen to be a convenient outlet for venting their feelings in the moment. And when you can take a step back, that buffer will prevent you from being reactionary and impulsive in your actions.
Next, remind yourself that no one else has any power or control over your own mood and mindset, unless you choose to give it to them. No matter what anyone else says or does, you have the power to stay centered and calm within yourself. From this calm inner state, you will be able to see the best course of action to safeguard your well-being.
How you choose to respond is up to you. You may feel like you need to put some distance between yourself and the other person until they calm down. Or you may decide to respond with compassion and understanding. Many times, when someone is mean, they don’t expect someone to be compassionate.
However you choose to respond, you will be making a conscious decision to step out of the role of victim and keep your power where it belongs – within yourself. And as a bonus, you will continue to build yourself up by responding to situations like these, in ways you are proud of.
