We all face sorrows. In fact, grief seeps into many moments of our lives. Strangely, as common as grief is, many of us feel tempted to squash those feelings. Too many times our desire to stay strong makes us weaker.
Let’s try to release those feelings instead. In doing so, we’ll lighten our load. All that water we hold will drown us otherwise.
Understanding Trauma
Sadness comes in many forms. If we don’t get what we want, we may feel disappointment. For some disappointments we may also feel discouraged.
But deeper losses can overwhelm us with grief. This kind of trauma can linger long after the event. The longer such trauma endures, the greater we suffer. This is what causes post-traumatic stress disorder.
Let’s dig into trauma a little deeper.
Dr. Judith Herman wrote the book Trauma and Recovery in 1992. She described the helplessness victims of trauma feel.
“Traumatic events overwhelm the ordinary systems of care that give people a sense of control, connection, and meaning.”
Her description helps us understand the immense weight we all feel when we grieve. They help us see the need for release.
The Five Stages of Grief
We have often discussed how people cope with grief. In fact, this concept is central to making your mindset better. As we navigate the different stages, we reduce our suffering. Let’s quickly recap those.
Denial
We deceive ourselves in this stage. The pain and sorrow prevent us from seeing the truth of a situation. Denial is helpful and necessary as long as it is temporary. In the moment, denying the reality enables us to unconsciously process our grief. That allows us to move on to the next stage as we accept the reality.
However, when we cling to our sense of denial, we add to our suffering.
Anger
Our emotions feel so raw in this stage. Let’s look back to Dr. Herman’s description of trauma. This anger may result from our feeling of loss of control. We may also feel that this trauma is unjust or unfair. Overcoming anger helps exhaust our emotional response. This enables us to move on to the next stage.
However, when we cling to our sense of anger, we grow more bitter.
Bargaining
Our need to restore our sense of control leads to bargaining. We want to change the situation. Often this comes in prayers or talking through the sorrow we feel. We swear we will do things different, if only this trauma can be taken away. As we bargain, we further process our grief. It also leads to acceptance and the next stage.
However, the more we try to bargain the more we stay stuck in our grief.
Depression
At this point, we finally feel the fullness of our sorrow. Denial failed us. Our anger faded, but the pain endured. Our what ifs led us back to the reality of our pain. And it hurts us so much. Depression is the point at which we feel the full weight of our sadness. This stage in many ways is what prompts the saying: “Cry. Let that water go. You were drowning.” It is that release that allows us to feel relief from these sorrows.
This is the final step before we accept what happened. As such, it is where people get stuck. We may prefer the feeling of depression. Oftentimes at this stage our friends rally to us. And their comfort and support can feel so good we don’t want to let go of our grief. We’ll go into how to avoid this trap in a moment.
Acceptance
This is the final stage. Accepting does not mean you no longer feel sorrow. In fact, accepting grief allows us to integrate our trauma. This lets us grow from the experience. I like to look at it this way. We remain in our sorrow for as long as it takes to learn the lesson from it.
How do we overcome the effects of grief while we go through the stages? Let’s take a look at some ideas.
Strategies for Coping
Obviously, we have a strategy we can use. Our saying today describes one. Crying allows us to release emotions. But there are other ways which may prove more effective. It all depends on the circumstances of our grief. These though tend to help me cope the most.
Talking to a Friend or Therapist
I find myself talking to problems all the time. If you’re like me, you will go over things while doing something else. This mimics the process our minds use to process emotions. This is also why talk therapy is so effective.
As we talk about our situation, our feelings surface. As we get in touch with our feelings, we can process them. Friends will often give us non-judgmental support. But our emotional connection to them may make us feel reluctant to open up. We still fear being judged by them. That fear tends to make us guarded. This is where therapists help us.
Regardless, finding someone to talk to enables us to overcome our grief.
Journaling
Three things make journaling useful to process sorrow. First, like talking to a friend or therapist, journaling helps us surface our feelings.
Second, a journal serves as a record of our progress. We can look back and see how we have coped to this point. That progression provides so much encouragement.
Third, a journal helps us connect different emotions. Oftentimes we are unaware of these connections. Journaling helps us see the way one emotion affects other feelings.
Focusing on Physical Health
Exercise does us so much good. In fact, if exercise was a pill, we’d all take it. It helps control blood pressure and blood sugar. Likewise, it helps us regulate our emotions. And this is what makes this so effective to help us cope with grief.
Part of this is physiological. As we exercise, our blood carries more oxygen to our muscles. It also brings more blood to our brains. And that helps us cognitively process our feelings.
Moreover, exercising has a psychological effect. We show ourselves that we are worthy of self-care. Acknowledging that enables us to care for ourselves in other ways.
Finding Meaning in Suffering
Viktor Frankl wrote a book that changed the way people looked at trauma. He was a Holocaust survivor. And after his experience, he wrote Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl’s idea was that we could endure any trauma if we found meaning in it. Discovering that meaning aids our integration of trauma.
Concluding Thoughts
As we face sorrow, we can become overwhelmed. Thankfully, we can overcome that feeling. Remember that the five stages are just that. Steps on a path to help us accept a trauma in our life.
Likewise, these coping mechanisms are part of that process. Find which ones work best for you. More than that, be patient. We go through these steps in order to learn something. That may take weeks or months or years.
Finally, remember that some emotions can’t be expressed in words. And when they flood us, the best strategy might just be this. Cry. Let that water go. You were drowning.
