How often have you had to face someone hurting you, for seemingly no fault of yours?
Whether it is the bully in school, a close friend who suddenly lashes out at you, or the belligerently competitive coworker who seems to have a life-long grudge against you, sometimes people hurt us for what appears to be no reason.
In that situation it can be easy to feel hurt, perhaps even angry, and possibly fight back. If gone unchecked for a while, you might start to build your own reserve of resentment towards this person.
However, it’s important to understand why this happens in the first place. Most often, people who hurt others are hurting themselves. Remember, hurt people hurt people.
Why Hurt People Hurt Others
Distraction
When someone is hurt and in pain, they often try to distract themselves from their suffering. One way to do this is to hurt others around them. This way, they can focus their mind on hurting you, rather than facing their own reality.
Reflection
Many times, the way someone hurts you is actually a reflection of how they feel hurt, too. For example, if a friend passes an insulting comment, like saying you aren’t pretty enough, they may be insecure about their own looks. Maybe someone told them that they weren’t pretty or beautiful enough. Maybe they were rejected by a partner for not reaching some standard.
Someone reflecting their pain onto others can be less obvious, too. For example, maybe your boss feels swamped by her husband and her children’s demands, and feels like she has no control at home. So, when she comes to work, she micromanages you or is a bit abrasive. Her controlling nature in the workplace can reflect the pain she feels at home.
Self-Judgment
We all have shadow selves. Our shadow self is a part of ourselves that we have rejected. This usually happens in our childhood, when we are told that we should behave in a certain way. Imagine a boisterous child, who is loud by nature. Let’s say this child was told by their parents that it’s good to be quiet, and whenever they were too loud, they were punished. This child will now suppress the loud part of their personality, which is their shadow self. As an adult, they will tend to judge others who are loud, perhaps labelling them as ‘obnoxious’, because they are judging a part of themselves that they have forsaken.
It’s Familiar
People who have experienced abusive behavior in their past, especially in their families while growing up, can tend to hurt those they love, because this is what they know. They are simply replicating their own lived experiences. Because of their past, they might have a deep subconscious belief that loved ones hurt each other, and that’s why they hurt you, as well.
Remember, often the people who hurt others are in pain themselves. When this happens to you, choose to respond, rather than react. Pause for a minute, breathe, and respond with love. When you realize that the person hurting you is often in pain themselves, it’s a lot easier to show empathy and treat them kindly, regardless of how they treat you. It might be difficult, but choose to forgive, because that’s the only way to break the cycle of hurt and pain and free both you and the other person.
