Many of us have this idea that if we insist on being treated well, we are being too selfish or “high maintenance”. But there is a huge difference between being high maintenance in a relationship and having the reasonable expectation of being treated fairly and well.
In my younger years, I struggled with feeling selfish for wanting to be treated well. I often felt like when set boundaries with someone or I stood up for myself, I was overreacting to the situation. I would second guess myself and end up caving in because I felt guilty holding someone to a reasonable standard. In my mind at the time, it didn’t feel like a reasonable standard. I felt like I was being unfair and expecting more than what any reasonable person could give. But the truth is, I was being fair and reasonable. And in many cases friends and family were appalled at the nonsense I put up with, not understanding why I would do so. But now, I see exactly why I did.
When you come from a place of lack or not feeling like you are enough, you will compromise yourself every step of the way – without even realizing it. You will put up with shitty treatment, because on some level, you don’t believe you are worthy of being treated well. I also held the belief that the way you show love is by going over and beyond for others, even at the expense of your own well-being. This is a very distorted way of seeing yourself, and for me, it was self-destructive.
In a previous post, I listed some reasons why I’ve accepted nonsense in my relationships. Maybe you can relate to some of them.
- Feeling guilting setting limits and boundaries or that I am being unfair by doing so
- Wanting to save someone or seeing their “potential”
- Fear of being alone
- Poor self-esteem and self-worth, like not believing I deserve better treatment
- Overall insecurity with myself
You can read the full post here.
There were two things that really helped me start to see that I was worthy of deserving to be treated well. One, I started to practice self-care. And this was really hard for me. I felt selfish doing things for myself and didn’t even really get anything out of it at first. But I kept doing it anyway, and eventually, I started to look forward to doing those things and found it recharging. It also helped me reconnect to myself. When I started doing things to nourish my soul, I was reminded of who I was at my core. And ironically, as I started to invest more in my own well-being, I found it harder to be around people who didn’t see me as worthy of basic respect and kindness. If you struggle with finding ways to practice self-care, I created a page on our website that can help you get started.
The second thing that helped me overcome this way of thinking was a litmus test. When I started to second guess whether or not I was being selfish for wanting to be treated decently, I asked myself a question. If my best friend came to me and asked me if she was being selfish for the same exact thing that I was feeling selfish for, what would I tell her? Almost every time, it was like, “no, you aren’t being selfish at all.” I had that conversation with myself when those thoughts popped in my head. Eventually, I was able to start standing up for myself more and setting healthier boundaries.
In some cases, setting boundaries worked well, and in other cases, it didn’t – so be prepared for that. I wrote a post all about setting boundaries and how some people will get angry when you set them. You can read about it here.
Remember, you can still be the kind, giving person you are and still be treated with love and respect. If you’re like me and are more of an empath by nature, you have to find a way to balance your desire to give to others, with creating healthy boundaries for yourself.
