Throughout our lives, we develop certain coping mechanisms that help us feel safe and secure. Depending on your early life experiences, you may have learned that it was necessary for you to hide your feelings. Or perhaps even repress them completely, especially if you felt certain “unacceptable” emotions like anger or defensiveness. You may have developed a habit of ignoring problems because they were too intimidating, which only allowed them to get worse over time. Or maybe you took the opposite approach. Maybe you poured your energy into trying to blast through challenges without taking time to first consider the best course of action.
While these coping tools may have served you well in certain situations, they might actually be making things worse in other aspects of your life. Consider the most common ways that you usually react in difficult or uncomfortable situations. Do you often become angry and defensive, even when the situation doesn’t warrant such an extreme reaction? Do you feel like you need to hold your tongue rather than speaking up, even when your boundaries are being threatened? Do you try to avoid conflict to the degree that you allow people to take advantage of you?
Reacting to every situation in the same habitual way is like trying to use a hammer as the only tool in your toolbox. It will work great on some projects, but on others it can be ineffective at least, and destructive at worst. The good news is that no matter how long you have been relying on that hammer, you can still add more effective and empowering coping strategies to your mental health toolbox. This will strengthen your ability to speak and act more deliberately, rather than reacting blindly as you may have done in the past.
One of the most powerful tools in your toolbox will undoubtedly be the ability to mentally step back from a situation and assess it calmly. Whenever you are facing a situation that feels uncomfortable or scary, imagine stepping back from it mentally and emotionally. Place your hand on your upper abdomen, and imagine connecting with your inner stability and strength. Breathe deeply and try to feel more firmly grounded within your authentic self. From this place of inner calm, you will be able to choose the response or action that best suits the situation.
Your response might be to take a slow, deep breath and ignore a hurtful comment, or it might be to calmly and firmly voice your rebuttal. You might decide to finally distance yourself from a person who has proven to be toxic and combative. Or you might be able to look beneath the surface of a situation and recognize solutions that will satisfy everyone involved.
When you develop the habit of being more thoughtful and deliberate about the words you speak and the actions you take in each situation, it helps you to feel more empowered and in control of your life experiences and relationships. You may not be able to control what other people do or say, but you always have the power to decide how you will respond.
