Have you ever been so hurt and angry that you vowed never to forgive the person who betrayed you? It’s understandable to want to hold onto anger because on some level you may believe that forgiving the other person means condoning their treatment of you. You might also worry that forgiving them will make you vulnerable to future hurt, so you hold onto the anger as a sort of shield.
While anger begins as a healthy emotion, it will eventually become toxic to your mind, body, and spirit if you refuse to process it in a healthy way. Repressed anger eventually becomes resentment, and it can cause health problems and depression, keep you feeling distrustful of other people, and even prevent you from living a joyful life.
Forgiveness is the path to healing and emotional freedom, but it’s a gift that you give to yourself, not anyone else. You don’t even need to tell the other person that you are forgiving them. This is only to free yourself from the bondage of anger and resentment.
The first step in forgiveness is to give your feelings a voice. One effective method is to write out all of your feelings in a journal, or write a letter directly to the person who hurt you and tell them exactly how their actions made you feel. You don’t need to send this letter, it’s only for you to express your feelings.
If writing isn’t your thing, you can pretend that the person is standing before you and simply speak aloud everything you wish you could say to them. You can also process your anger through physical activity. Turn on some music and perform an interpretive dance, or take a walk and imagine anger oozing out through your feet with every step you take.
Regardless of how you do it, allow yourself to be fully present with your feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, or any other emotions connected to the betrayal. Take your time with this process. Depending on how strong the emotions are, it may take several days or even longer to fully process them. You will know when the feelings have been fully processed when you can think about the memory and feel more peaceful about it. Even if it’s an unpleasant memory, at least it should no longer trigger intense feelings.
Next, begin affirming your intention to forgive, but slant it in a way that emphasizes that you are doing this for yourself, not the other person. Say something like, “I forgive you, (name) and I release your energy from my consciousness. I choose to be free and happy now.” Again, it may take some time before you are able to fully let it go. Work at it daily until you feel an inner release and a sense of peacefulness, even when you think about that person.
Lastly, be sure to forgive yourself for any regrets or self-blame that you may be harboring. Say, “I let go of all self-blame, and I love and forgive myself completely.” As you work through this process, you will feel a clear mental and emotional shift from anger and sadness to freedom and joy, and it will truly feel as if you have given yourself the greatest gift.
