In Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he said this quote. Frankl was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor. His book chronicles his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II. He describes how he got through the horrors he lived through while in Auschwitz. He also explains his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then focusing on imagining that outcome. His idea about finding meaning became what we now know as logotherapy.
In his book, Frankl talked about how a prisoner imagined the future affected his longevity. In a Nazi concentration camp, the only thing you really have control over are your own thoughts.
When you don’t have control or the ability to change your situation, you have 100% control of how you think about it – and ultimately, respond to it. And that can be powerful.
Obviously, Viktor Frankl’s prompting events that caused him to come to this conclusion is drastic and something I hope we never see again. But on a much smaller scale, living day to day, there is much wisdom in this quote.
Recently, my husband got stressed out and lashed out at me. It was completely inappropriate, over the top and I was taken aback by it. I recognized what was really at play in the situation, but instinctively felt the need to stand up for myself and dish it right back. But I slowed things down and intentionally chose to focus on the kind of calm I want to maintain in situations like this.
Instead of yelling, getting hyperbolic and mean like he was, I empathized with him and asked him what I could do to help the situation. I was empathetic to what he was expressing, kind and understanding in my responses. I maintained an even, compassionate tone (if you do this, you must mind your tone, Malfoy – otherwise it might come across as condescending). And the thing that made the biggest difference in my response was that I took no offense to his craziness and how he was acting towards me. I knew I didn’t deserve it and that it was uncalled for. I know he knew it, too. And I also knew that the crazy-town that was transpiring in our kitchen wasn’t the norm. Remember, people tend to cope by projecting, so learn to take nothing personally.
You see, we tend to personalize other people’s behaviors and what they say when it is directed at us. We take it as a statement they are saying about it or our value, which is very human response. But more often than not, how people act and what they say as very little to do with us personally.
The truth is, when my husband reaches the level he was at in the situation above, there is literally nothing I can do to influence how he acts. The only thing I can do is control how I respond. And I knew from previous experience, if I lost my shit and dished it back, in the state he was in, he would have focused on my response rather than his behavior or even what was really going on with him. So, a jedi mind trick was needed and I responded in a way where he was forced to sit with his own actions and words.
But seriously, I am proud of how I responded because I didn’t allow his behavior in those moments influence me and I didn’t contribute to crazy-town, either. And honestly, it is in my nature to be compassionate and empathetic in situations like this – within reason, of course.
A couple of hours later, my husband came over and apologize profusely and told me how much he appreciated how I responded to his craziness (<- his words).
What situations have you been in where you were challenged to change yourself or your response?
