In modern day society we tend to glorify perfectionism because we believe that it will drive us to perform better and achieve more. This seems admirable at first glance, since most of us are striving to improve ourselves in some way. However, there is usually a darker side to perfectionism, and that is shame. Beneath the desire to perform better is often a belief that we are not good enough as we are. Brené Brown notes that perfectionism is a way of thinking that says if I am perfect in certain areas of my life, then I will avoid or minimize criticism, blame and ridicule. It is really a shield we use to protect ourselves from feeling hurt.
Consider your own life experiences up to this point. Do you feel a sense of disappointment that you haven’t achieved as much as you aspired to when you were younger? Do you often push yourself to work harder or become better at what you do, even to the point of skimping on sleep or suffering from burnout? And even after you have worked excessively hard or pushed yourself to the limit, do you still feel like it’s not enough? If so, you may be caught up in the endless loop of perfectionism.
Exploring your beliefs can help you to determine what may be at the root of your perfectionism. Do you believe that you are a valuable and worthy person beyond your accomplishments? Do you believe that success must be earned through hard work and sacrifice? Do you believe that you deserve to be as successful as you want to be? Your answers to these questions can help you to discover whether you have any shame-based beliefs that are holding you back.
If you do discover some underlying shame, there are two important areas that may need healing. First, you may feel ashamed about the things you have done in the past, or the things you avoided doing. Maybe you made some reckless mistakes that caused problems for you, or you procrastinated so much that you were not able to make much progress. If you feel shame or disappointment about any of your actions or choices in the past, forgive yourself. All you can do is learn from those experiences because you can’t go back in time and change the past. Decide that you are going to release yourself from that bondage and move forward with a fresh start now.
Next, consider whether you feel any shame about the person you are. This is a much deeper shame that can be destructive and painful, even far beyond your achievements in life. Then, spend time building a more loving self-image each day. Stand before a mirror and say, “I love and accept myself exactly as I am right now. I’m a good person. I have a lot of value. I’m worthy of love and happiness. I don’t need to prove anything. I just need to be myself, and love myself for who I am.” It is also important to examine the people you spend the most time with. Are these people who support you and lift you up? Or do they reinforce the negative things you feel about yourself?
As your self-acceptance grows stronger and deeper, your attachment to perfectionism should fade. You will stop feeling the need to try excessively hard or portray the perfect image in order to be loved and accepted by others. Afterall, what makes us interesting and beautiful souls are our imperfections and battle wounds. Not only will this help you to feel less stressed in your life, but you may even find that your performance actually improves because you will be acting much more from passion and inspiration, and from a state of love rather than fear.
