Are you someone who gives others the benefit of the doubt naturally? I definitely do that, and I have to the point of allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I think it’s quite normal to want to believe the best in people until they prove otherwise. And with the people we know and love, sometimes we tend to extend that “policy” beyond reason.
I have a friend who just discovered that her partner’s work from home activities included viewing porn on message boards throughout the day. They have a history of intimacy issues in their relationship, but she believed that they were both actively working on them and that neither of them was talking to other people, looking at porn, etc.
The funny thing is, she told me that every now and then she suspected that he was up to something because when she would walk by his office (they both work from home) he would change his screen quickly. She noticed that he just seemed to do that on his personal laptop, which he kept with him while working, but not his work one. But she gave him the benefit of the doubt because she wasn’t seeing anything else that pointed to him doing anything shady and it seemed like he was putting forth more effort into their relationship. So, she didn’t say anything to him or give too much thought to it – even though she got this feeling regularly.
Well one day, he apparently didn’t hear her walking by his office, and he didn’t switch his screen. In the corner of her eye as she was walking past the office, she saw what appeared to be people having sex on his screen. So, she stopped and watched it to make sure she was seeing things right. She was shocked and just didn’t think he was doing that, let alone during his workday and bouncing from his work computer to his personal one, watching porn.
As she stood in the doorway to his office and his back was to her, she composed herself and cheerfully asked him what he was watching. He made up some story of what it was, and she said to him, “huh, really? Because it kind of looked like porn.” He denied that it was at first (isn’t it funny when you physically see something, and someone tries to tell you that you didn’t? I always find that amusing!) and then quickly came clean and admitted to doing it regularly and for the last few years. It was a bit of a shock to her, because this is a man who often spoke about how dopamine changes your brain structure when you look at pornography similarly to how heroin and cocaine do and how harmful it is.
I’m not going to debate the morality of pornography and whether it is “okay” in a relationship. People have differing opinions about it, and what might be acceptable to one couple, might not be to the other. I also don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of porn addiction.
What I will say, though, is looking back at the situation, there were some red flags that my friend didn’t see. One, they were not being physically intimate – big red flag. Two, he was only switching screens quickly on his personal computer, even though he claimed to do it with his work laptop, too – which wasn’t true at all. And maybe this one wasn’t a red flag, but he made a big deal about how watching porn screwed up your brain – and he sincerely believed it. The couple would often have debates about it, and he seemed passionate about how harmful it was, yet he did it anyway.
Did my friend believe what she wished to be true? I don’t know. On one hand, yes, because there were some signs of something being wrong. But at the same time, she didn’t confront it because she didn’t want to jump to conclusions about what he was up to. Perhaps she should have paid more attention to her gut feeling when she suspected that something was off. But again, was it enough to ask him about it?
I am a firm believer in allowing things to just unfold in relationships. If someone is doing something shady, it will be revealed eventually. It’s important to pay attention to warning signs, but for me, and your mileage may vary, I don’t want to be all suspicious and constantly trying to see what my husband is up to and look into things to see if he’s telling me the truth, etc. I guess I look at it like if he is doing something hurtful, it will come to light and then I will handle it the way I need to.
Years ago, when I was insecure and coming from a place of lack, I “investigated” what my partner was up to. When I was always suspicious, it turned me into a person I didn’t like at all. But why would I have felt such a strong need to investigate what he was up to? Because I was so outcome dependent on him being faithful or a good guy. I needed to prove that he was to myself so I would be “okay”. And if he was doing something hurtful, I needed him to stop so I felt better about things. I still had so much to learn about myself and relationships back then.
While one can choose to believe what they wish to be true, they should also be cognizant of indictors that things might not be how they think they are. And how much you just want to believe what you want to be true is up to you.
I know for me, I want to be understanding and give people, especially my partner, the benefit of the doubt. I make note of things in my mind, but overall, I just let information come to me. I have complete confidence in myself that no matter what gets thrown my way, I will be okay. And if things go sideways, it’s preparing me for my next chapter, which will be better than the one I’m in, even if I can’t see it right away.
Do you think that we should believe what we wish to be true? Or do should we question more of what we see in our relationships?
