In The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie asks his English teacher why good people pick partners that treat them like garbage. His teacher responds with, “we accept the love we think we deserve.”
There so much truth in this simply stated quote. At the end of the day, the reason why we tolerate nonsense and bullshit in our relationships is because we don’t think we are worth more or deserve better.
When I look at my history of romantic relationships, as small as that history is, it is plagued with unhealthy dynamics and choices. At the time, I believed that I just had selfish, narcissistic partners who didn’t appreciate me. And they didn’t appreciate me, and they were all those things. But the common denominator in those relationships was me. There was a pattern here, and I was selecting these people. So I needed to start looking at myself and what I believe about myself that has led me to pick people who treat me like shit.
As embarrassing as this is, on some level there was comfort in fighting to feel seen and heard. To me, love meant having to prove myself – over and over again. Eventually, instead of getting mad at a clown for being a clown, I asked myself why I keep going to the circus.
What I discovered was that on occasion, my partner would make me feel seen and heard and because I was so starved for that, I kept chasing it. He offered me inconsistent love, understanding and praise and I would chase the reward because it was what I wanted more than anything.
For me, I had men in my life that could give that consistently, but I wasn’t attracted to that back then. I think my conditioning as I grew up was having to hustle after my own worthiness and constantly prove myself. I never thought I was good enough as I was. And I thought chasing that validation was love. Yes. Your young padawan had very much to learn, yes.
See, my real issue wasn’t the partners I was choosing. It was how I saw myself. When you don’t see your own worth, you will always choose people who don’t see it, either. This linked post talks about our four attachment styles and how they can impact how we connect with romantic partners. I also talk about how you can create a more secure attachment style. Check it out – understanding why I was the way I was in my adult relationships really helped me break the cycle.
My other issue that contributed to the unhealthy pattern was the fact that I confused intimacy with intensity. And given that I was coming from such a place of lack and low self-worth, it makes sense that intensity felt like love for me at the time. I was so hungry for it. And we know that we all eat lies when we are hungry.
How can you tell that you might be accepting less than what you deserve in a relationship? In a previous post, I talked about beliefs that I had about myself at the time that really put me in a vulnerable place in my relationships. I also talked about how you can change your beliefs and undo some of the bad programming and conditioning. You can read the full post here, but here is the list:
- I give people the benefit of the doubt too much or too many second chances.
- I worry about offending my partner if I stand up for myself.
- I have a hard time recognizing when I am being disrespected. Sometimes it takes someone else pointing it out to me.
- When someone hurts me, instead of setting a boundary with them, I feel like I need to prove my worthiness and why they should value me more.
- When someone hurts me, I need them validate me and my feelings by admitting that they were wrong or disrespectful.
- I don’t even know what respect feels like in a relationship.
- I feel guilty when setting boundaries and worry that I am being unfair. Sometimes I even convince myself that by setting the boundary, I am overreacting.
- I would rather put up with shitty treatment than be alone.
When you truly begin to believe in your worth and what you deserve, you will find it hard to stay around people who don’t. And you will be amazed at what you attract when you start believing in what you deserve.
