Confidence doesn’t come from anything external. There are tons of people who are objectively rich, successful, attractive or “have it all”, yet they struggle with feeling confident because they don’t see that within themselves. Our confidence comes from how we perceive ourselves, regardless of what reality is. Read that again. Reality doesn’t matter. But how you perceive yourself does.
This means that how we see ourselves sets the stage for how we feel about ourselves in situations.
We often hear people say, “fake it until you make it” or “present yourself as if you are already X” and you will become these things. And these methods work in the short term. But truly becoming confident is an inside job and all about how we perceive ourselves and how we relate to the world around us.
Mark Manson has a great article on how to be more confident that you can read here. He points out that the only way to be truly confident is to become comfortable with what you lack. We know that failure is our best teacher, and we shouldn’t take failing at something as if we are failures. The failure is simply part of the process or a reflection of lack of knowledge.
Confidence is also closely tied to resiliency. Being resilient is our ability to “bounce back” from challenges and pressures in life and remain positive. Being highly resilient allows us to feel more confidence because we trust in our own ability to overcome setbacks and disappointments.
So how do we become more resilient? First, it is helpful to get some guidelines as to what kind of resiliency challenges we may have that came from our childhood. According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be, which means the more challenges you may have with resiliency later in life. NPR has the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) test that you can take here.
What’s interesting about the scoring of this test, is that it really is just guide because so many other events that happen can mitigate a high score. For example, a person may have a higher score, but having a trusted relative who is your cheerleader or teacher who mentored you and believed in you can make all the difference in mitigating any long-term effects of past childhood traumas. And these people do very well in life, too.
Developing resiliency within yourself takes time. Facing struggles and challenges strengthen our resiliency because we learn through practical experience that we can get through it and be okay.
If you are struggling on where to start, I have a post on steps you can take to start building your resiliency that you can find here.
Video on the REAL Secret to Confidence
About the Expression: Confidence isn’t walking into a room and thinking you’re better than everyone. It’s walking in and not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.
The above expression is a contemporary saying. People in the self-help community like this quote for many reasons. Among them is the expression of a healthy perspective on self-confidence. This adage emphasizes that true confidence is not about feeling superior to others. In fact confidence does not engage in comparison. Instead, it emphasizes self-assuredness and being comfortable in one’s own skin. To be clear, we can feel confident irrespective of how we measure up against others.
This view of confidence is about internal validation rather than external comparison. We can gain confidence from a place of self-acceptance and self-awareness. When we do this, we allow ourselves to move through life free of the need for validation from others. Internalizing this quote will root your confidence by knowing your value. You know it. It is not derived from being better or worse than the people around us.
Sadly, the exact origin of this quote is unclear. However, it reflects a common theme in self-help and personal development. That’s why I chose it to help encourage positive self-image and healthy self-esteem.
Resources to Support Developing Confidence
If you feel inspired to gain a greater sense of confidence, I put together a list of resources that should help.
First, I’ve written about confidence in other posts. Here are a couple I recommend to learn more:
Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud.
How to Build Resilience and Confidence in Yourself
Second, books have always helped me learn about many topics. Most importantly, I learn about myself. Here are a few I recommend for developing confidence and self-worth:
“The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know” A relative bought this book for me one Christmas. I wasn’t sure what to think of it at first. However, what Katty Kay and Claire Shipman share helped me understand triggers in me that inhibited my confidence. The book explores the psychology and sociology of confidence, particularly in women, and offers advice on how to achieve it.
“Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” If you haven’t heard of BrenĂ© Brown, this is a great place to get started. Vulnerability helps us gain confidence. We do this through choosing to trust that we will be okay when we choose to be vulnerable. This helps us to build a courageous, confident life.
“The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” In this book, Nathaniel Branden shares a comprehensive guide on self-esteem. I would have liked more practical tips to apply the ideas. However, because we’re all at different points in our journey, maybe not having those tips makes sense. It can be helpful, but be prepared to really go through the text to find what will work for you.
These books provide interesting perspectives and strategies. I hope they help you build your confidence.
Please note, the books linked above use affiliate links from Amazon. I only refer books I find useful. If you choose to buy one using the links above, I may receive a small commission. Using these links helps me cover the costs of hosting and maintaining the site. Thanks!
