What we choose to tolerate in our relationships will continue. By tolerating any behavior or situation we don’t want to tolerate, we are showing that person that what we say is intolerable, actually is tolerable, because we aren’t doing anything about it.
We can struggle with tolerating nonsense for many reasons. Mine have been the following:
- Feeling guilting setting limits and boundaries or that I am being unfair by doing so
- Wanting to save someone or seeing their “potential”
- Fear of being alone
- Poor self-esteem and self-worth, like not believing I deserve better treatment
- Overall insecurity with myself
The truth is, even the kindest person will unconsciously assess what our partner will and will not tolerate. It happens on an unconscious level and is reflected in how they treat you consistently. It is up to us to set appropriate boundaries and love ourselves enough to walk away from a relationship that continuously causes us harm.
If you are an empath like me, you might have challenges with knowing what your non-negotiables or deal breakers are in your relationships. We really have to be able to define those things for ourselves because they are the foundation for our boundaries and us communicating how we wish to be treated.
How you begin to define what are non-negotiables for you is really asking yourself the hard questions about what is important to you in a relationship. Be honest with yourself with what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. You also have to know what your core values really are. Those are going to guide you as to what is okay and not okay for you. You should also know what things are “nice to haves” but you are willing to compromise on. And these things may evolve and change, just as you do through different stages of your life.
