As a person who likes to help others, this is something I repeat to myself often. I hate to see those I care about struggle and am always thinking of ways to be helpful. But sometimes I have to ask myself if solving the problem is really my place. Is this my responsibility? Does helping this person deny them the ability to gain mastery of their life?
For me, being too helpful can become unhealthy and completely ineffective. When people we care about are in pain, it is natural to want to help them. Finding a healthy balance of being able to show love by being helpful, but not overdoing it is essential to creating boundaries for healthy relationships.
Here are some things to remember when we have the urge to become the ringmaster in someone else’s circus:
- There is a difference between taking on someone else’s responsibility and being a supportive friend.
- When you want to swoop in and “fix” their problem, it can feel like you don’t think they are capable of handling their own challenges.
- Think about how you would feel if you were in their shoes and someone tried to fix everything that was going wrong in your life.
- If you absolutely feel the need to fix something, focus on yourself. You are the only one you can control anyways.
And for people in situations where you are faced with watching a loved one go through abuse or addiction; I really feel you. It can be heartbreaking and all you want to do is help them be okay. Remind yourself that as well intended you are, they have to want to improve their situation and only they can take the steps to do so. You can be supportive, but they have to do the work.
Two things people overlook in these situations is how impactful being a good example can be and how effective it can be to plant seeds that things can be different for them. Lead by example. And no matter what they choose to do, you will be in a better place mentally to help them if they ask for it.
