The need to control others is born out of insecurity, anxiety, fear and low self-esteem. If someone feels out of control emotionally or mentally and cannot regulate their own feelings, they turn outward to get that sense of control and security from something external – typically another person.
Their sense of self-esteem and well-being is dependent on the reassurances that control gives them. However, they never really have real control over someone else and any morsel of control they do have, is very short lived. And when they perceive any sense of losing that control, the cycle starts again because they desperately need that external reassurance by having control to feel secure. These people are highly outcome dependent and will go to great lengths to get their needs met by controlling others.
The desire to control others can come from many places. Perhaps one feels uncertain about the future and feels that they are powerless in the situation, so they seek to control others so that they feel more certain. Someone who fears abandonment may try to control their significant other so that he or she doesn’t leave them. They may constantly test the waters by behaving poorly to see if their partner will leave them and feel reassured when they don’t. But ironically, this kind of behavior ends up pushing the other away and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment. Someone who secretly feels like a fraud may try to control others’ impressions of them because they fear being “found out” and rejected or abandoned.
These are all ineffective thought patterns that cannot be changed by anything external. It can only be addressed within.
The tricky thing about this kind of behavior is that it is typically deeply ingrained in people. They learned as a child that how you feel loved, safe and secure is through controlling others. They were taught as a child that they get their needs met through manipulation and influence. And if that is the only way they know how to get their needs met, it is going to take some time and consistent effort to reprogram their brain to get their needs met in a healthier way.
When someone attempts to control you, remember that it is born out of feeling of lack that they feel is within themselves. They may project confidence, but underneath the surface is insecurity. Remember that their behavior has everything to do about how they feel about themselves and nothing to do with you.
Here are some steps you can take when responding to someone who is trying to control you:
1.) Communicate with them about how their behavior is impacting you. Use “I” statements instead of “You”.
2.) Offer to help brainstorm alternatives to the controlling behavior. Like mentioned previously, controllers don’t often know how else to get their needs met. By offering up ways you prefer they interact with you, they can understand a healthier, more effective way to get their needs met. For example, if your partner has a habit of committing your time to things before asking you, tell him or her to ask you first so you can check your calendar.
3.) Understand what you really want and respond accordingly. Don’t just give in to a controller’s demand to keep the peace. If a boundary needs to be set, this is the time to set it. Be clear and firm with your boundary.
4.) Don’t get sucked in to debating your feelings or why what you feel is valid. How you feel is valid and you don’t need the other person to agree. Remember that they derive a sense of security and safety by controlling other people. They will see you asserting yourself as a power struggle. If they don’t like what they are hearing from you, they will be highly motivated to wear you down, so you agree with them and they feel better. As tempting as it may be to end the conversation and just agree, if you do, you are teaching them that this tactic will work on you and it will be repeated. If they keep trying to get you to engage, simply tell them that you will both have to agree to disagree, or that it is what it is and end the conversation.
