Over time in any relationship, people become super comfortable with each other and stop showing each other the love, admiration and respect that they feel. This familiarity causes them to feel like their partner just knows that they love them. After a while couples stop connecting on an emotional intimate level and begin to focus on criticizing their partners, especially with small things. According to clinician and psychological researcher John Gottman, the number one factor that ends romantic relationships are expressions of contempt by partners. Partners who focus their energy on being critical towards their partner, actually end up missing 50% of the positive things their partner is doing and will see negative things that aren’t even there. This not only leads to a distorted view of what’s happening in the relationship, but it breeds feelings of contempt and resentment.
On the flipside, Gottman and his researchers have shown that kindness and emotional stability acts like a glue that bonds partners together. If you think of kindness and generosity as a muscle that can grow stronger through exercising it, your relationship can radically improve.
What does generosity look like in a healthy relationship?
- Giving someone your time is the most valuable gift you can give. Being 100% present with them and being focused on what they are saying, rather than mumbling “uh-huhs” and going back to checking something on your phone can build connection, rather than weaken it.
- Take time to appreciate your partner’s positive qualities and be generous with your compliments. I fall into this trap with my husband. He will do or say something that makes my heart smile, and I will forget to tell him about it. I have to be intentional because I truly want him to know how much I admire and respect him. And he often replies that he would have had no idea that I felt this way if I hadn’t mentioned it. So, take the time to give your partner positive feedback.
- Don’t jump to conclusions about your partner’s intentions. It is so easy to assume that when your partner does something inconsiderate, it was intentional. Or if they are running late (my personal pet peeve) that they don’t value your time. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that your partner has good intentions.
