Some people thrive in crazy-making and chaos because it is what feels normal to them. It’s completely maladaptive and no doubt draining to that person as well as those around them. What kind of behavior will you see if you’re standing in the middle of someone else’s crazy-making storm?
- Gaslighting tactics. This is the most common trait. This can look like making you feel like something did (or didn’t) happen when it really didn’t (or did). You can leave a conversation with them doubting your own perception of what really happened or feeling crazy yourself.
- They have a selective memory. If you remind them that you have told them how a certain behavior hurts you, they have no recollection of that conversation.
- The rules will change on a whim to conform to how the crazy maker is feeling in that moment.
- You feel like you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t when offering solutions to the problem.
- They will tend to project their own feelings onto you to avoid responsibility for their own feelings.
- Communication is not fair and assertive. You are met with passive aggressiveness.
- This person will lack any kind of true empathy for you.
- Everything is very black and white or a crisis and the end of the world.
- They try to make you feel guilty for things that you shouldn’t feel guilty about.
- They will offer you inconsistent praise. Some people are very vulnerable to becoming addicted to inconsistent praise. The crazy maker will give you praise, and you will feel good about things, and then they quickly take it away. There have been numerous studies that show how addictive inconsistent praise can be to people and how praise from someone who doesn’t give it often, is more meaningful. It’s actually been equated to the inconsistent reward of gambling addiction.
Often times if you are dealing with someone who is engaging in crazy-making behaviors, it can be hard to see, especially if they are a loved one or if they are close to you. A crazy maker craves your energy in the conversation, almost like an emotional vampire does. It’s easy to get into an argument with them, but what you have to understand is that any kind of “rules of engagement” in an argument will quickly change to what the crazy maker wants and needs. What “rules” might apply today, may not apply tomorrow. You will only leave the conversation feeling more confused and drained.
Here are some steps you can take to maintain your own sanity in these situations:
1.) Detach yourself from the situation. When you can take a step back and understand that what is happening is someone else acting out their own issues, it’s easier to not get drawn into it or offended by what they’re saying.
2.) Reduce the amount of time you spend with them. If you have to spend time with them, make sure you balance it with time away from them where you are practicing self-care and nourishing your soul.
3.) Maintain healthy boundaries. If you aren’t dependent on external validation, then you will have stronger boundaries with others. Know that you have a right to set whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with and that “no” is a complete sentence.
Finally, if you have a partner or someone close to you in your life who is a crazy maker, also take a look at how you feel about yourself. Often times we can attract crazy makers into our life because we struggle with our own self-worth. We can get into a vicious cycle of tying our self-worth to how the crazy maker treats us. And we keep playing the game until they finally treat us better, but they never actually do. Pay attention to how the crazy maker treats other people. Does he or she treat others better? Are the people they are treating better exude a higher sense of self-worth?
If you are struggling with this, know that you are worth so much more and start giving yourself the love and respect you deserve. We teach people how to treat us and what we allow will continue.
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