If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.

We all have baggage and scars from previous relationships and even our family of origin. Our past hurts and fears can transfer into new relationships because we are scared of the same thing happening again.  Sometimes we are so afraid of something bad happening again, we treat our new partner with distrust, or we will even wound others to try to heal ourselves.

Healing what hurt us is necessary for us to have the healthy, loving relationships that we deserve. How can we begin the healing process for ourselves?

1.) Understand we have to open ourselves up to experience true intimacy with another person. We cannot have a real, meaningful relationship without opening ourselves up this way, and that means that sometimes we will get hurt. We can’t experience one without the other.

2.) Look for life lessons you can learn when you get hurt. How did this happen? Did you miss red flags? How did this make you a better person? Maybe what happened allowed you to become more sensitive or compassionate, which is an asset for all your other relationships. Or perhaps you learned what you don’t want in a partner.

3.) Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and forgive the other person for hurting you. It’s hard to see this when we are hurting, but most of the time when people treat us bad, it has more to do with how they feel about themselves and what’s going on in their own head than us. We are all broken and make decisions we aren’t proud of at times. Take this as a lesson learned and let go.

4.) Talk about it with someone you trust. Holding in all your pain is not noble. It takes strength to share what’s really going on with us with other people. Sometimes just talking about how you feel and another person listening and validating your experience can make a big difference in how you look at what happened.

5.) Don’t lose your sense of self-worth. Always remember that your value as a person does not decrease if another person cannot see it. Just because someone didn’t appreciate you, doesn’t mean that others won’t. If you know your own value in relationships to begin with, weathering a breakup or betrayal will be a little easier.

More Resources to Heal What Hurt You

Books

“Man’s Search for Meaning” – Viktor Frankl recounts his Holocaust experiences. The book illustrates how finding purpose sustains resilience. He asserts that meaning in life is the central human motivational force, and one can find purpose even in suffering.

“The Art of Living” – This book is a modern paraphrase of Epictetus’ ideas. He was an important Stoic philosopher. In the book we learn that nothing is harmful except our perceptions of events. By embracing this ideal, we can let go of things outside of our control.

“The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” – Bessel van der Kolk delves into how trauma reshapes both body and brain. In particular, you’ll learn how trauma compromises sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. Readers can discover a new understanding of the impact of trauma and pathways to recovery.

“Trauma and Recovery” – Judith Herman’s masterwork on the field cannot be overlooked. Split into two sections, Herman helps readers identify the nature and origin of trauma. Then she helps guide you on a path of re-integration and recovery.