In the movie Seven Pounds, Will Smith plays a character named Tim Thomas who poses as his brother Ben, an IRS auditor, throughout most of the movie. One evening while he is driving with his fiancée, he is texting while driving and ends up colliding with a van, killing all six occupants, as well as his fiancée.

In an attempt to make things right, he carefully plans his suicide and preserves his organs. He intends to change seven stranger’s lives, by donating organs to six people he has vetted himself. He also leaves his ocean front, beautiful home to a woman and her kids who are in an abusive situation.

While there are some medical and technical inconsistencies with the plot of this movie, I think it illustrates the lengths some will go for redemption. And how quickly our lives can change in an instant.

The title, Seven Pounds, refers to Shakepeare’s pound of flesh metaphor. And Tim Thomas’ purpose after the accident becomes to make seven strangers’ lives better to compensate for the lives he destroyed.

What we can learn from this movie, is our lives can change dramatically in a matter of seconds. One seemingly harmless decision, like texting while driving, can destroy the lives of others, as well as their loved ones.

While Tim Thomas goes to extremes for his redemption in this movie, I think it teaches us that it is also important to forgive ourselves for our mistakes. Even horrible ones. For him, the only solution is to die and donate his organs to strangers he has found who need them and giving his house away to someone who is in need of a place to live. It is a beautiful story about sacrifice and the need to make things right, but there are other ways to accomplish that.

There have been things that I have done in my life that have literally kept me up at night in tears feeling remorse and sadness for what I have done. So, I get the need to make things right. But maybe in Tim Thomas’ case, he lived for a reason. And maybe it wasn’t so he could find seven worthy strangers and kill himself so he could make their lives better. Maybe he could have found a way to enrich their lives and even reach more people, by staying alive.

Guilt and shame can eat us alive, if we allow it to. If you are still alive and breathing, there is still good work you can do here. What you did and what you learned can be someone else’s manual that prevents bad things from happening to others. Remember, even if you made bad choices in the past, they were bad choices. It doesn’t mean that who you are is bad.  

Have you ever been in an argument and denied something you know you did that was wrong?

You’re not alone. One of the most common human responses is denial. Whether we deny something knowingly or unknowingly, we try to protect ourselves by refusing to accept the truth of the situation at hand.

Why We Deny

Denial is a defense mechanism. Our natural human instinct is to protect ourselves and our security, not only from physical threats but also emotional. Thus, our ego mind uses denial as a shield from discomfort, whether it is anxiety, fear, stress, or other painful emotions. By engaging in denial, we don’t have to acknowledge the problem, and we can avoid the consequences of the problem.

Denying Mistakes

The most obvious form of denial is when we refuse to accept our mistakes. For example, when your roommate asks you to pay the electricity bill and you forgot, it’s easy to avoid taking blame by accusing your roommate of not reminding you. By denying our mistakes, we cut ourselves slack.

This can also happen if you accidentally hurt someone’s feelings. In hindsight, you realize how your actions could have been hurtful. However, rather than accept your mistake and feel the uncomfortable emotion of guilt, it’s easier to shift the blame to the person who has been hurt. This is why we get into fights: so that we don’t feel guilty or feel bad.

Denying the Gravity of Situations

Another way people commonly stay in denial is by denying the seriousness of certain situations, whether it is a health condition or an addiction.

For example, many addicts live in denial, so that they don’t have to admit that they have lost control over themselves. This prevents them from getting the help they need.

A similar situation can happen when someone with a health condition refuses to believe how sick they are. This way, they can avoid the reality of being unwell. However, denial of a health condition can interfere with treatment.

Denying Responsibility

By blaming situations or other people outside of us, we don’t have to take any responsibility for what is going on in our life. For example, let’s say your friend Annie is single, jobless, and living in her mom’s basement.

She can blame her parents’ divorce for why she can’t find love. She can blame not having a job on the terrible job market and how no one wants to hire her. She can blame her friends for not helping her find the man of her dreams. She can blame everything and everyone for her situation.

But does it help her? Sure. By blaming, she doesn’t have to deal with the guilt and pain of realizing that she is responsible for the life she is living. She doesn’t have to deal with the stress and the effort that it might take if she decides to take responsibility and take action to change things in her life.

Denial is one of the most common defense mechanisms that humans use, making it a very predictable response. It helps us avoid pain and hurt, and while that can be a good thing, it can also keep us stuck in phases of our lives that aren’t aligned with our highest potential. The first step of growth is facing discomfort. So, take a look at where you may be using denial as a coping mechanism and challenge yourself to accept the situation you are denying. It might feel uncomfortable, but it is worth it.

Have you ever been in a situation where you are trying to express yourself, but the other person thinks you are arguing?

Misunderstandings are a part of communication, but sometimes there are people who just don’t seem willing to understand you, no matter what. It’s like they are super committed to misunderstanding everything you say.

It can make you feel like it is your fault for expressing your feelings or for feeling hurt. But remember, that’s not the case! You always have the right to express how you feel, as long as you do it in a kind way.

So, what do you do in these situations? How can you tackle toxic relationships like these? Keep reading.

Take a Look at Yourself

The first step is to take a look at yourself. Were you overly critical about the other person? Were you coming from a place of love or blame? Is it possible that perhaps you used some harsher words than you intended?

Before you start to treat this as a toxic relationship, consider where you might be at fault. This is not to invalidate your feelings or your experience, but just to look at the argument from a neutral perspective.

Stay Calm

When trying to express your emotions in a way that is productive, it is important to stay calm. Letting the other person affect you emotionally and reacting instead of responding not only aggravates the situation, but it also makes you feel worse. So, if the other person begins to trigger you, it’s crucial to stay grounded and try to calm yourself.

Take a few slow, deep breaths. Actively relax your muscles. If you are on the phone or in a situation where you can distract yourself, try doodling, fidgeting with an object, or closing your eyes and visualizing a calm place.

Don’t Get Roped into an Argument

Once you are calm and grounded, you can be more intentional about how you respond. Resist the urge to reply with retorts, to blame, or to defend yourself. Aggravating an argument will only result in more tension, anger, and negativity, robbing you of your inner peace and mental wellbeing. Instead, try responding with something neutral, like “I’m sorry you are hurting so much and I get where you’re coming from.” By doing this, you won’t intensify the situation. You are validating their experience and expressing that you understand why they feel the way they do. Remember, it’s not worth your inner peace to ‘win’ the argument.

Set Boundaries

When dealing with someone who constantly picks fights with you and shows disrespect for your feelings, consider setting boundaries and limiting the amount of time you spend with them. If it is an elderly family member you feel responsible to take care of, hire a nurse instead. If it is a toxic friend, stop hanging out with them.

Remind yourself that you are allowed to verbalize and express your feelings. Even when people don’t understand or react in a way different to what you expect, do not blame yourself. Stay positive and surround yourself with people who love and respect you. Besides talking about your feelings, you can also express your feelings through journaling, creating, or dancing. Prioritize your mental peace and well being because you deserve it.

Have you ever shied away from a big endeavor because it seemed too big of a challenge to take on? Maybe you received a great idea for a new business, or you felt inspired to make a big life change, but shortly afterwards, you dismissed the idea because it just seemed impossible, or at least very difficult to attain.

While it’s true that bigger goals require extra effort which can leave you feeling drained periodically, it’s also worth noting that holding yourself back and settling for less than you deserve will diminish your enthusiasm and joy for life. Chronic dissatisfaction becomes a gnawing ache inside of you and it becomes increasingly difficult to carry on with your daily routine.

You may be familiar with the saying, “Everything worthwhile is all uphill.” It’s certainly true that new endeavors require a lot of energy and effort at the beginning, but once you build a little momentum, keeping the progress going starts to feel easier.

One good way to reduce the strain on your time, energy, and motivation is to approach the goal with smaller bursts of effort, followed by periods of rest. Imagine that you wanted to walk up a steep, long hill but you were not in the best physical shape. Standing at the bottom of this hill and looking up at the top would probably make you feel overwhelmed and doubtful about your ability to make the climb.

However, instead of climbing the hill all at once, you could walk for a short distance and then pause for a few minutes to catch your breath, then walk another short distance, and so on. Taking the journey in smaller chunks will make it seem much less arduous.

You can approach any big goal or endeavor in the same way. First, consider some initial action steps that you can take to begin moving in the right direction. You can even make a list of a series of steps that you believe would be the most effective route to the goal. Then commit to taking just one action step from that list. Then take the next step. Continue on, taking one thoughtful step at a time.

At any time if you start to feel overwhelmed or depleted, give yourself permission to take a break so that you can rest and recharge your energy, whether it’s for a day, a week, or longer. Avoid the temptation to push through the resistance and keep going simply because you want to reach the finish line faster. The harder you push yourself, the more tired and frustrated you will become, which will only slow your progress and make it much more likely that you will give up. Taking a brief pause allows you to not only rest, but also regain your clarity and motivation.

Once you feel rested from your brief break, you will be eager to start moving forward again and you can follow this same approach of short bursts of effort followed by rest all the way to your goal. Before long you will be able to look back at how far up that hill you have climbed, with little stress or strain.

In the 2000 movie, Pay It Forward, Haley Joel Osment plays a child named Trevor McKinney. His teacher, played by now disgraced actor Kevin Spacey, gives his class an assignment. It is to think of an idea that can change our world and put it into action. Trevor comes up with the idea of paying it forward.

This quote is spoken by Trevor and shows just how easy it is for all of us to stay in a situation that is objectively bad for us, just because we are used to it or scared of change. He also highlights the rippling effect of giving up.

We all have things that we want, yet we are scared to go after it. That frustration, when you want something so badly, but you still don’t go for it or take action, can be incredibly, well, frustrating. Maybe you wanted to move to a new city, but you couldn’t take the step. Maybe you wanted to break up with your partner, but something held you back.

Humans like to stay in our comfort zones. We like to be in familiar situations. Think about your own life. Do you tend to go to the same restaurant or order the same food? Do you have some favorite stores you shop from? Or maybe a preferred route to take to work or a select spot on your couch at home. We love familiarity. But why is this?

The Need for Familiarity

The craving for what is familiar stems out of fear. We are afraid. We are afraid of change because that often means danger.

This is caused by the ancient evolutionary instinct to stay in our safety nets. Don’t fight with someone, don’t do something too crazy, don’t wander out of the tribe alone, don’t try out a new berry (that might end up poisonous).

These restrictions helped us survive. So, our brains processed this information as: fear is helpful and it is good to follow this fear instinct and stay within familiar territory and follow a predictable routine.

Outdated Human Instincts

Fast forward to the 21st century. Countless humans still fear and restrict themselves to familiar territory. The only difference is that the unfamiliar territory is hardly dangerous to our survival and the familiar territory presents itself in situations like toxic relationships, unfulfilling jobs, and mundane routines.

Familiar Thought Patterns

In fact, we can even get attached to our ways of thinking. Let’s take Negative Nancy. She has kept herself from disappointment by always focusing on the negative. She keeps herself safe from heartbreak, broken hopes, and failures by assuming nothing is going to work out. Being negative is her safety net, her defense mechanism.

However, by recognizing this need for safety, one can start to challenge this pattern of thinking. Remind yourself that you are safe, even if you think positively. You are safe, even if sometimes things don’t work out.

Familiar Habits

Along with our thought patterns, we also get attached to our routines. Whether it’s the same breakfast we eat, the same daily spin class, or the same bar for happy hours. While this can bring a sense of security and comfort, it also can cause us to slip into autopilot mode, where we begin going through the motions of life, without truly experiencing each moment to its fullest.

Challenge Yourself

Sometimes, in order to rekindle the spark of excitement in your life, you have to switch things up and step out of what is familiar. Change it up. Even if it is just one small thing that you can change, like where you stop for your morning coffee or ordering a different sandwich for lunch.

The more you practice trying new things and getting out of your comfort zone, the easier it will become. Soon enough, stepping out of your comfort zone WILL be your comfort zone. While a sense of familiarity can be comforting and help us feel safe, always staying within our comfort zones can hold us back from living our lives to the fullest and keep us stuck in situations that aren’t serving us. Remind yourself that you are safe and supported, and stronger than you think. So, this is your sign to chase after your dreams, do the scary thing, and go for what your heart is telling you!

Social media. Netflix. Drinking. Eating fast food. These are all aspects of our modern lives that are incredibly ‘normal’. If you think about your day, how much time do you spend on your phone scrolling social media or playing a random game to keep you busy?

Get into the habit of asking yourself, “Does this support the life I’m trying to create?”

This quote is crucial in our age where distraction, overly crowded schedules, and social obligations are normal. We get lost in going about life, getting through each day, choosing the easy option, without realizing that we are living a life very different from the one we are trying to create.

Social Media Vs Real Experiences

Every time we are bored, waiting in the supermarket, feel like we need a break, or are stuck in an awkward conversation, we pick up our phone and scroll through social media.

What if we used that time to be present and to live? What if you used each moment that you pick up your phone, bored, to scroll, to instead appreciate something you are grateful for or notice something new and fascinating around you?

Easy Options vs Good Health

Most of us have health goals. Whether it is to exercise more, reach a certain weight, increase muscle, heal a disease, or just get fit in general, it’s safe to say we all want to be healthier. No one envisions themselves to be unhealthy, overweight, and sick 10 years from now.

However, how many of us actually consider the impact of each decision we make in our lives?

Do you choose to grab takeout on your way home from work or do you choose to shop for and cook healthy meals at home?

Do you choose to snack on chips when you feel stressed or do you choose to take a quick walk to boost your mood and get in some extra steps?

Do you choose to stay up watching TV or go to bed on time so that you get a good night’s rest and can be energized the next day?

Quick Entertainment vs Personal Development

Learn a new language. Pick up a new skill. Improve your professional skills.  With the internet, there is an abundance of information for us to choose and grow from. However, while we keep dreaming of all the skills we would love to have, whether it’s learning how to play the guitar or learning how to create an app, we end up using our free time to binge watch the latest TV shows or consume content on YouTube. What if you spent all that time learning something new? Where would you be in a few months or a year?

How often do you stop and wonder if what you are doing is actually helping you create the life you want? Visualize your highest self then show up as them. What do they do when they wake up? What food do they eat? What choices do they make? How do they dress, speak, and carry themselves?

The quality of your life depends on the quality of your habits. At least once a week, get into the habit of taking a quick inventory of your life, and ask yourself if your life is taking you where you want it to go.

Not everything we think needs to be said. I know for me, there have been things I have said in a moment of anger that I wish I could take back. There are also things I wish I had had the courage to say but didn’t.

It can be difficult knowing when you should speak up and say something. So how can we get better at discerning when we should speak up, and when we should remain silent?

When to Speak Up

1. When you want to be heard or someone has hurt your feelings. It is okay to stand up and vocalize when you feel hurt and tell the person that they harmed you. It’s also important to speak up when you want to say something valuable or express a concern you have.

2. If someone asks for your advice or opinion. I am a helper by nature, and I always want to give advice to others and help them solve their problem. But I’ve learned that the best thing I can do is be supportive and let them know that if they need anything, I am here. I let them come to me and ask what they should do before giving my opinion…and it can be hard at times, especially when they are obviously suffering.

3. If you see something being done that is wrong and can hurt others. You might be the only person to see it and do something about it.

4. When other people don’t have a voice. I think this goes without saying, but if you see a child or vulnerable adult be mistreated, you might be the only person who can protect them from further harm.

When to Remain Silent

1. When you are uncertain what you feel, what you want to say or if you are angry. Blurting out what you are feeling in the moment might not reflect how you truly feel overall. This could make things even more confusing. And if you were hurtful with what you said, that can cause more lasting damage in the long term.

2. If someone is sharing a story with you. For some of us, telling our story means mustering up courage and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with someone else. While you might be tempted to interject to show the person that you understand what they are saying, sometimes just silently listening and nodding your head is what really makes them feel heard.

3. If someone isn’t in a position to receive what you have to say. Perhaps your friend just needs someone to listen right now and doesn’t need the advice you desperately want to give her. Or maybe they just aren’t ready to face the hard truth. 

4. When the conversation has dissolved into a fool’s argument. Some disagreements will never be resolved, and it is best to just agree to disagree and disengage.

Another geeky quote from one of the best movies from the 80’s, Back to the Future. Like Doc says, if you’re going to build a time machine out of a car, you might as well do it with some style. 

While Doc’s time machine was built with style in mind, he begins to argue the utility of it. The DeLorean’s body was paneled in brushed SS304 austenitic stainless steel, and except for three cars plated in 24-karat gold. It was built to last, and I have seen quite a few DeLoreans at various ComicCons and other geeky festivals. Some of them are beautifully preserved.

In the case of this time machine, it is still powered by an internal combustion engine for propulsion. But it is also electric and requires a power input of 1.21 gigawatts to operate, originally provided by plutonium.

What we can learn from this time machine that has become a staple in pop culture, is that anything is possible. If you can dream it, it is possible. Doc Brown thinks outside of the box and isn’t afraid to be eccentric. He isn’t confined by what our society says a good or successful scientist/inventor is. He trusts his own madness. And in the process creates something amazing.