Occasionally, you’ll encounter people who consume and drain your valuable time and energy. And perhaps there have even been times when you have drained other people’s energy. As they say, it is much better to be a fountain, rather than a drain. What do I mean by that? I mean that we should all strive to vibrate higher, and put out energy that focuses on giving love, light, and positivity. And to do that, we also have to safeguard our hearts and minds from those who wish to drain us.

Case in point. I recently had a conversation with someone who spent the entire time we talked being angry, spiteful and quite hateful. I couldn’t get a word in. I attempted to validate their experience, even though they were completely miserable. And even my attempts at doing that fell on deaf ears. After almost an hour of listening to it, I was drained. My husband made the point that after that conversation, I needed “emotional dialysis” to cleanse myself from the negativity I had just heard for almost an hour.

I look back at it, and I wish that I had stopped the negativity in the conversation by disengaging from it. It was draining. And I didn’t realize how tiring it was until after the conversation. Even when trying to change the subject, this person would come right back to being hateful.

I am an empath by nature, which makes me vulnerable to not putting up effective boundaries when I need to. The truth is misery loves company. People who are consistently angry, negative, and emotionally draining want your company. So they will attempt to pull you down to their level.

Here are some ways you can handle people who are emotionally draining and protect your own energy:

Slow Things Down

When talking to someone who can be emotionally draining, slow things down and pay attention to the red flags. Ask yourself if you feel recharged talking to them or drained? Is this conversation productive at all? Then, take some time to examine how these encounters make you feel. Once you know how you feel, you can begin to determine boundaries you may want to put into place.

Practice Saying No

Sometimes, saying the word “no” is the hardest thing to do. This is because we want everyone in our circle and beyond to think of us as a good person. But saying no doesn’t make us a bad person and truthfully, there are times we need to say no. You have a right to protect your energy. By practicing saying “no” to people about small things, you will gain confidence in your ability to say no in situations that are emotionally draining. For example, if someone is looking for you to contribute to their negativity about a situation in a conversation, you can politely say, “No, I’m not going to say anything, because I don’t know the full situation” or “This sounds like a messy situation, and I don’t really want to get involved.”

Set Boundaries

If you are like me, you might have some challenges in setting boundaries. For a long time, I couldn’t even define what my boundaries were! It took a lot of work for me to unscramble my mind and realize that I had a right to set boundaries. 

The reality is people who drain your energy will often overstep boundaries to get what they need. They are dependent on external validation from you that their gripes are legit. And maybe they are legit, but they are behaving in an unproductive, draining way. Be upfront and honest about how their actions and words make you feel. It is okay to tell someone that you are feeling emotionally drained by the topic or how they are behaving. It is okay to set limits as to how much time you will give them if they continue to be draining.

The funny thing is, sometimes people don’t even realize how draining they are being until someone says something.

Vibrate Higher

When you are a fountain, you are radiate kindness and positivity into the world. Don’t modify your energy to match someone else’s. Like I said earlier, misery loves company. Be a light and an example. Limit your time with draining people and leave your interactions being non-judgmental and kind.

In Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, When Cameron is home sick, Ferris decides to play hooky at home. He tells Cameron to come over and pick him up so they can do something. Cameron claims that he is sick, feels like he is dying and can’t. Ferris responds, “You’re not dying, you just can’t think of anything good to do.”

It is easy to succumb to the monotony of our daily lives. It can cause us to feel bored or depressed. And sometimes, there is a simple, yet effective remedy – pattern disruption.

While having a daily routine can be helpful, it can also prevent us from examining or altering our habits that can have a limiting effect on our lives. The best way to break out of old patterns and routines, is to change your environment and what you do.

Some examples of pattern disruption include:

• For 24 hours, focus only on the positive aspects of your life. Practice gratitude.
• Take a 24-hour digital detox from social media.
• Do an activity you enjoyed as a kid – even if you feel silly doing it.
• Listen to new music.
• Travel to a nearby town you haven’t been to and have lunch outside.
• Get lost in a place you’ve never explored before.
• Do something nice for someone.
• Pick up a new hobby.
• Leave a bigger tip for someone.
• Join a new club or group.
• Read a book from an author you’ve never read before.
• Make conversation with someone you don’t know.
• Shop at a different grocery store chain.

These changes seem like small things, but they go a long way in making your life more interesting. I remember the joy of seeing a little specialty grocery store in a city we had moved to. We passed by it all the time until one day, my husband and I decided to stop and go inside. And what we discovered was amazing! There was a bakery inside it that made bread like from back home. We were so happy to have found it! One of our biggest gripes about where we were living at the time was that you couldn’t find decent bread in bakeries.

Take the chance and do something new. You never know what you will discover.

It’s not a good feeling when you lose or fail at anything, especially when you have worked hard and poured your heart and soul into something and it doesn’t work out. It’s natural to feel disappointed when this happens, but sometimes you end up internalizing the failure and see it as a reflection of your own value and capabilities. Rather than seeing yourself as a person who has failed, you end up seeing yourself as a failure. When you do this, you erode your confidence and make it much more likely that you will simply give up because you don’t believe that you have what it takes to succeed.

One of the best gifts that you could ever give to yourself is to retrain your mind to see loss and failure as a benefit rather than a character flaw. Every time you lose, you actually gain something even more valuable, which is knowledge and experience. You learn what doesn’t work well, and why. You learn about your own capabilities, your strengths and weaknesses, and ways that you could improve your performance for better results.

The first step in shifting your mindset about loss and failure is to let go of emotional attachments to specific outcomes. One of the reasons why failure can be so painful is that you become attached to the idea of succeeding and you may have very specific expectations as to what that success will look and feel like to you. If it doesn’t happen in exactly that way, you understandably feel let down.

On the other hand, if you can approach everything you do with a relaxed, detached attitude, you will be much more flexible and resilient when the unexpected happens. You won’t be so concerned about the possibility of losing, and you will have full confidence that you can handle the outcome, whatever it may be. Say to yourself often, “Everything works out for me eventually.” This eases any pressure that you may have been putting on yourself to be successful in every single attempt.

When you do experience any kind of loss or failure, allow your curiosity to take over. Ask yourself questions to learn more about yourself and the situation so that you can get better results next time. Good questions to start with might be, “What could I have done differently to get better results? What have I learned about this situation that will help me to do better next time? What have I learned about myself, and my own strengths and weaknesses? How can I improve my skills and knowledge in this area?” Engaging your curiosity will yield helpful insights that will improve your odds of success on your next attempt.

When you train your mind to view failure and loss as valuable learning opportunities, you free yourself from the pressure of perfectionism. You are easily able to bounce back when you stumble, and your confidence in your own capabilities will continue to grow. Eventually, you learn to see any failed attempts as necessary stepping stones along your path to success.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you already have an idea about how I feel about social media. While it can be a great way to connect with others, it also has a dark side. With the social media boom, and tons of new apps and platforms still popping up regularly, it’s become more normal to be what some may call “Insta-famous.” But to me, being famous on Instagram (or any other social media platform) is like being rich in Monopoly. It is fleeting, and doesn’t mean anything. Yet so many of us, are really invested in the likes, comments and followers we get on social media.

To understand how social media has become a permanent fixture in our culture, we have to go back to MySpace. MySpace was the first social media platform to hit one million monthly active users. And that was back in 2004 – almost 20 years ago now. Two years later, Facebook began to see major growth and by August of 2008, they had 100 million members. And over the years since then, many platforms have emerged. For example, Instagram was originally launched in October of 2010 for iOS and gained one million users in just three months.

It has only been in recent years that experts have talked about the dangers and negative consequences of social media use, as well as the effects it has on the human brain. I remember reading an article where Steve Jobs was asked about how his kids like the iPad. He replied, “Actually we don’t allow the iPad in the home. We think it’s too dangerous for them in effect.” He went on to say that he recognized how addictive an iPad can be as a tool for delivering things to people, including instant access to various platforms.

I’ve referenced neuroscientist Andrew Huberman a few times on this blog. Finding his work and listening to what he had to say about how social media use effects our brains was one of the things that helped form my own opinions about the dark side of social media.

He also talks about how social media and our phone usage has impacted how our brains process dopamine.   

While there are parts of social media that can be positive, at some point you have to look at your own use of it and ask yourself if you are placing too much emphasis and validation on likes, followers, and engagement.

We know from Huberman that social media affects the brain’s pleasure center. So every time you open your favorite social media app, dopamine (the neurotransmitter that makes you happy) is released.

Let’s go a little further. Each time you get positive feedback on something you’ve posted or get more followers and likes, your brain thinks it’s a reward. And because this feeling is only temporary, you go back and revisit or continue to post to chase that feeling. So, how do you balance it?

Schedule Time to Use Social Media and Only Use it During That Time

The easiest way to handle your screen time is to try and make a schedule to log on. Doing this will allow you to be more productive in your daily life rather than wasting time mindlessly scrolling and posting.

If you were to add up the amount of time you spend on socials in one day, you’d be surprised. Fifteen minutes in the morning, thirty minutes of your lunch break, etc. Ask yourself what other, more productive things you could do with, let’s say, thirty of those extra minutes? Could you start a book or knock something off your daily to-do list?

Stop Comparing Yourself to What You See on Social Media

I’ve said this many times before. What we see on social media is curated, edited content and is the user’s highlight reel. I can promise you from my own social media use years ago, that behind a seemingly amazing life, was a someone who was struggling in every aspect of her life. Comparing yourself to a barrage of images that have been filtered or staged to look perfect does nothing to help your mindset.

If you’re going to use social media, find ways of implementing positivity. Look for positive quotes and stories and use them as a tool to empower your growth.

Ask Yourself How Social Media is Working For You

If you’re a person that already struggles with mental health, like depression or anxiety, keep an eye on your mental state. Is looking at social media helping your state of mind, or causing you to feel worse? If you find yourself consistently feeling worse when you’re scrolling away on social media, take a break. Take a walk or just sit outside, feel the breeze and listen to the birds sing.

While I have my own person feelings about social media, it is not all bad. It relays information quickly, connect us with people from all over the world, and can be a powerful tool to help us learn new things. However, overuse can be addicting and have adverse effects on our psyche.

While the likes, follows, and engagement can be great, you should always try and find a balance between real life and the fantasy land of social media. There’s a whole other world aside from these apps to experience and it’s out there, waiting for you to explore it.

While emotional support is beneficial in our relationships, when one is overly dependent on another, it creates an unhealthy, ineffective dynamic. Not only is it an unfair burden to place on someone else, but it can also make the person who is too dependent being in a constant state of insecurity, which can create a lot of unintended drama.

Emotional dependency can happen in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic. A person with emotional dependence, turns to others, to meet all their emotional needs. It would be a tall order to fill for anyone. But because they lack the ability to handle their own feelings, they turn to others in hopes of regulating them.

One major feature of an emotionally dependent person is an intense fear of abandonment. This can create a lot of instability in the relationship, because the fear is fueled by immense insecurity. This is when you may see your partner become more controlling. They get this way because they are trying to make sure you don’t abandon them or so that they feel more secure in the relationship. The problem is that receiving any kind of reassurance and security from an external source, is very short lived. 

For the person who is emotionally dependent on someone, they are in a constant state of being on an emotional rollercoaster. Since their mood regulation is dependent on how someone else behaves, they hit really high highs and really low lows. They may even feel like the other person is the one creating the rollercoaster ride. For emotionally dependent person, this ride can feel more like life or death because so much is at stake.  

The road to recovery from being too emotionally dependent on others is a long one, but well worth it. Rediscovering who you are and your own interests and preferences can be very helpful along your journey. It will help you understand yourself better and learn how to manage your own feelings. If you struggle with knowing who you are or what you are interested in, I wrote a post about how you can rediscover yourself that you can find here.

Working with a therapist can also help you get to the root of your insecurities and fears. They can help you understand why you are externally focused and help you gain mastery of turning inward for the security you seek. They can also work with you to start rebuilding your self-esteem. In no time you can be moving closer to relationship dynamics that empower you, rather than leave you feeling powerless.

Confession – sometimes I don’t really want to be here. And by that, I mean, exist in our world as it is today. This is a feeling I get every now and again when people behave really shitty. In those moments, I feel like my soul was meant to live during another time when things weren’t so crazy in the world like they are today. Of course, I probably romanticize what those times were like. I am sure they had their own sets of challenges, too.

I don’t often tell others I feel this way because it will scare them. They will wonder, is she suicidal? Should I be worried about her mental health? I once mentioned it to my husband, and he got really serious and concerned. He knows me to be a bubbly, positive person, so I get how weird it must have sounded to him.

But no, I am not suicidal, and I think my mental health is quite fine. But I appreciate the concern. I think my soul just gets sick of what our society says is valuable. Or why people seem to devolve and act horribly the way that they do.

What is one supposed to do when they feel like they are living during a time period that doesn’t fit them?

For me, I found that accepting the world as it is helps. Even though there are things in the world can be ugly, beauty still exists, if you know where to look. At the end of the day, all we have control over is ourselves and the world we choose to build for ourselves.

Just because the world says X, doesn’t mean I have to agree or conform to it. And just because I might think Y, it doesn’t mean I have the right to push that onto others, either. Instead of focusing on what I don’t like about our world, I focus on what I love about the little world I am creating. And the life I am building that better fits what I value and find important. I also have gratitude for the world as it exists, warts and all. Because without it, I wouldn’t be able to take the parts that are good and build my own world for myself and my loved ones.

Do you struggle feeling like you belong in this time period?

One of my favorite cartoons to watch with my kids on Saturdays was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I always found that Splinter had the best advice, and my favorite saying was, “Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy.” It also reminds me of Master Yoda’s wisdom about anger leads to hate and suffering. This is to simply say that holding onto anger is toxic to our well-being and can infiltrate every area of our lives if we don’t take action.

Anger is complex and often rooted in experiences we don’t understand and are unwilling to unravel. Experts say that what is typically lurking behind the emotion of anger is shame. And if left untreated, it can lead to depression which makes overcoming shame seem impossible. Understanding how to deal with anger effectively can also help us deal with issues like shame. In this post, we are going to explore both and how you can improve how you respond to both emotions.

How Does Anger Become Toxic?

Anger, when held inside, has significant consequences on our health. It can affect blood pressure and cause headaches and increased anxiety. In addition, it can cause heart attacks, stroke, and a plethora of destructive health issues.

Not only can it affect you physically, but it can also affect you mentally and emotionally. From the way you conduct your life to destructive relationships, uncontrolled anger has a hand in most everything you do if you can’t manage it well.

How to Deal with Anger

Identify Triggers

Identifying things that set you off is critical to managing anger. Think back to when you completely lost control and try to navigate what made you angry.

Warning Signs

Learning what physical symptoms start when you get angry can help you tremendously. For example, if you start feeling hot or your face flushes before you get mad, those are good indicators that you need to take a step back and analyze how you’re feeling.

Take a Time Out

Take a time out when you feel like anger is on its way. It’s ok to walk away or take a walk around the block so that you can calm down.

Talk to Someone

There’s no shame in talking to a counselor or joining an anger management group if you need to. These sessions can really help you relate to others and get your feelings out there in the open. It can be reassuring to know that you aren’t alone.

What is Shame?

Brené Brown says that shame is “the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.” Anger is often a shield we use to cover our feelings of shame. Not healing shame can contribute to more anger. It can become a vicious cycle.

Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgement. But what shame cannot survive is empathy.

How To Overcome Shame

1. Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. Talking to yourself with care and empathy can be the beginning of the healing process. We often forget that we deserve to be handled with care. Show yourself the same kind of empathy and compassion that you would show a loved one.

2. Reach out to someone you trust. Sometimes just speaking your truth about how you feel to another soul can lighten the burden and shame you feel. When we feel shame, the view we have of ourselves is distorted. When someone else hears us and doesn’t judge us, we feel less alone and “bad”.

3. Tell your story. Once you are in a good place, tell your story. Doing this can help you heal, but it can also help others on their road to recovery.

While anger itself isn’t bad, holding onto it can cloud the mind. Holding onto it for too long can create our downfall. Don’t hold onto anger and punish yourself, for a mistake someone else made.

In the 1986 movie, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Ferris borrows Cameron’s father’s prized 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder. Worried about his dad seeing the change in miles on the odometer, Ferris promises his friend that they will be able to preserve the original odometer mileage on the vehicle when they get home.

After their day of adventure, they come home, lift up the car and leave it in place and put the car in reverse. They put a cinder block onto to the gas pedal, hoping that the odometer will go backwards, not revealing any of the mileage the kids put on the car. Of course, this plan doesn’t work.

When Cameron realizes that the miles aren’t coming off like they should, Cameron says forget it. As the car is still running in reverse, he unleashes his frustration about his father. He famously says, he’s got to take stand. He says he puts up with a lot of bullshit. His dad pushes him around and he never says anything. Cameron gets increasingly agitated and starts damaging his dad’s car.

He concludes, “I have to take stand. I have to take a stand against him. I’m not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold that determine the course of my life. I am going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.”

Cameron then proceeds to kick his father’s car. As he furiously kicks the front of the car, he yells, “Who do you love? You love a car.”

After he calms down and accepts that he can’t hide what he did, he leans on the front part of the car. The metal bar holding the car in place in the garage breaks, propelling the car backwards, as it is still running in reverse, through the glass and down to the ground. 

Everyone is shocked and Ferris tells his friend that he will take responsibility for it. Cameron insists on taking the blame himself.  

I love the lessons in the scene. One it is important to take a stand and speak up when you feel mistreated. And two, it’s important to take responsibility for your life and own up to your bad choices.